By: Daniel Kendle

(This is a satirical article, and is meant to be read like a YouTube video).

What’s crackin’ guys, it’s me, millionaire YouTube sensation MrYeast back again in another banger of a video! Over the years, after witnessing my vast amount of riches, many fans of mine have asked the same question: “MrYeast, what happened to those orphans you sent to that spacecraft testing facility?” Now, normally I say something to the effect of ‘hard work and integrity’ being key in financial prosperity, but it seems that my former advice has fallen on deaf ears – and I want to change that.

Guys, in today’s video I intend to help all of you at home to become insanely rich and powerful, all in a few easy steps. Curated with help from my brokers at Wall Street, this guide will teach all you guys the secrets of my life, and how I’ve gotten to where I am today. By the end of this, you should be equipped with all the tools you need to become the strongest foe in your local banking system. After all, rich millionaires to the middle class are what powerful warlords were to literal mud hundreds of years ago in the Middle Ages.

But with that intro out of the way, guys, prepare to have your life changed forever.

. . .

As any millionaire knows, gaining a plethora of money and gold requires support from others. Yes, even in our society’s cut-throat world of economics, the most fundamental step of beginning an empire of wealth relies on the help of those around you.

(Snickers) Oh, you guys thought I was talking about family? Fat chance scrubs, none of that sissy talk is permitted around here. I absorbed my brother in the womb; felt like bliss doing so too.

No, I’m not talking about your friends and family for support. Nor am I talking about “friendly” relations with others leading to the high life. Rather, let’s just say I’m sweet on more totalitarian practices.

Since I’m writing this in a school newspaper in order to appeal to the child demographic, I can’t exactly be very specific about what I’m referring to. But in ease of tongue, you might want to approach people to join your financial team, um, forcefully. Threatening others with mortal harm is often a sure-fire way to gain employees, and, as it happens, boost office morale. It’s seldom pretty, and often a bit cruel, but it serves the middle class right for being within my general vicinity. My oxygen is laced with a gaseous platinum mixture, after all.

Guys, if you’re struggling to find people, just do what I’m doing right now: advertise to kids! These little sprouts of frenzy and frivolous inconvenience make for a rapid force for future plans of yours, especially for gathering resources if you spec into industrial manufacturing. Remember the golden rule, guys: ‘you can’t say the word “minor” without saying “miner.”

Of course, some may think of child labor as immoral, and a few elitists may even call it illegal! I sympathize with these folk, but at the end of the day, the American Dream was never realized through plights of kindness and empathy. Nay: cold, hard cash comes through determination to the end…no matter the casualties lost in the process.

Still though, guys, make sure you pay your employees well: being a good person isn’t fun, as I’ve said, but maybe a bit of compassion for others is… alright, I suppose. 🙂

To end this section, you might still be confused on how exactly you go about finding new employees. Here’s my method, with an example. Recently, the boys and I were out on a small road trip when we encountered a weird man walking alongside the road. He was strange: had antlers, talked to himself about some game, and kept pantomiming himself smelling non-existent flowers. What a nut! So when he was distracted miming again, we lassoed him and tied him up in our van, brought him to our factory in the woods, and currently have him locked in an experimenting chamber. It’s that simple, folks – just fetch a carriage and circle around neighborhoods at night. Easy-peasy!

Now that you’ve got a small battalion of adults and kids alike under your wrath, it’s time to invest in getting those big, big bucks! Grab your army, head off into an undisclosed location in the woods, and let’s begin the money-making process.

To find the perfect starter industry to dive into, let’s review the obvious: people all over the world like different things, but some things, like food, cars, and clothes are indispensable for daily life. Thus, picking 1 of the 3 is preferred. For ease, I’ll pick cars for today’s article.

Now that you’ve found an industry, go out and hit the books! It’s likely you don’t know how to make a car (if you do, then great!), so mosey on down to your local library and go rent some ‘Mighty Machines’ DVDs. That, and maybe nab a $1,000,000,000 loan. We’ve a factory to construct!

It’ll probably take a while to make a giant building with your army, especially since the woods is prone to bears, who enjoy plagiarism (I’ve had much experience with bears in the past, don’t worry). Don’t fret, young grasshopper: after multiple years of toiling away at this building, you’ll finally have a completed car factory – or, whatever essential product you’ve chosen to mass produce. Remember: Rome may not have been built in a day, but then again, the Roman Empire walked so you could run.

Luckily, building a forested mill was the hardest part of this venture: making cars is the easy bit. After concluding my studies, I’ve found that attaching 4 tires to a log, then spray-painting it metallic gray will trick anyone into thinking it’s a Tesla. I mean, wood carving a car’s never been easier since the introduction of the Cybertruck: simply cut jagged lines willy-nilly into the wood. Simplistic modern design’s already caused the art world’s current apocalypse; the automobile market might as well suffer too.

With your car crusade underway, expansion is inevitable. Want to make more cars? Easy: trees are all around you. Want to invest in different fields of merchandise? Build off of what you’ve done so far, use intuition to predict the future economy’s rises and slopes, and follow accordingly. You’ve established a big-boy big-girl industrial cult; nothing’s gonna keep you from stopping here.

Finally, we must address the elephant in the room: what if your workforce revolts, becoming tired of your sadistic ways? I mean, murder’s fun, but after a while you need better fuel sources than the bodies of the darned for a good reason: it smells bad! Also it’s, like, a felony, or whatever.

Thankfully, I’ve got you covered again. Creating a new societal structure and/or religion is a headache for most, but I’ve taken on the burden already and devised my own in preparation for you newbies. For the short version, it’s generally agreed that the state (you) should have complete control over your subjects, even though they remain free individuals who can decide things on their own time. All should be equal, with none having power over the other. The exception is you, since your army should see you as more of a divine vigil than mortal. You are able to sell cars made out of wood, now.

Another important part of your society should be the suppression of outside forces. This includes both physical media and objects, as well as, more-importantly, people and their ideologies against your new civilization. If you want your subjects and loyalists to remain, erm, loyal, then snuff out negative ideas of change and revolt. The devotion to the state is KEY in your control over others. This connects to your economy as well: no outside currencies may enter your settlement, as to not persuade the masses to leave.

A lot of what I’ve been stating has been very anti-communication. Communication, or lack thereof, is what’ll drive your society forward into technological advancement. Making sure your empire is cut off from the rest of the world is what ensures the flow of money, and the commitment of the public. Thus, I’ve decided to coin this novel political movement “Communism.”

Use these fundamentals alongside brute force, and your empire is set for further success.

. . .

…aaand I think that’ll do it, guys! This is merely a “starter kit” for capitalist propaganda, but through the emancipation of the innocent, Communist ideologies, and maybe some wooden Teslas, you’ll be off to the races – the Arms races. Who knows, guys – maybe you’ll be the ones to invent the world’s first nuclear missiles made of, I dunno, silt, or something.

If you continue down this path I’ve laid out, outer space is inevitable. Why commit to conquering 1 planet when you could do more? Your empire’s set up for global submission; the world’s at your knees (really, I’m just glad someone’s finally gonna make bears go extinct…).

But guys, I think that’ll be it for today’s rad-tastic video. I hope you have a wonderful time letting the United Nations grovel at your feet. With control over the global automobile industry handled, soon another market will be yours to rule – the entire human population. Remember to like, subscribe, and share, and I’ll catch you in the next video, where I plan on using critically-endangered Snow Leopard fur as new packaging material for my “Yeastables” candy bars whilst juggling jars of human phlegm. Later, internet!