By: Daniel Kendle

Here are some fun facts you probably didn’t know about gophers (Geomys Bursarius). Gophers are animals within the family Rodentia, and are mammals. They are small, prairie dog-sized creatures that are primarily herbivores, living in long complex tunnels. But now, here are some more interesting facts.

1. Gophers generally go about their tunnels backwards, not forwards. This is because they can then use their small tails to help find their way throughout their tunnels, mainly because they live solitary lives most of the time. Their tails are only 3-4 inches in length.
2. Gophers have poor eyesight and hearing. They instead have an acute sense of touch, using both their paws and whiskers in tandem in order to navigate their way around.
3. Gophers can operate human technology with relative ease. Gophers are secretly possessive of 2 thumbs, one on each of their hands. This allows them to be able to hold various objects, such as a knife, doughnut, or stolen wallet. When one sees a gopher holding something with an opposable thumb, alerting a SWAT team is important.
4. Gophers can smell blood from up to 200 miles away. It is common knowledge that some sharks can smell blood in the water from a good distance away. But gophers also have this trait, and they have a much more refined sense of smell. Whenever trekking in a place known to have gophers, it is common sense to bandage-up any cuts.
5. Gophers are known to use their lips to clear out dirt. More specifically, their lips have evolved to close behind their incisors in order to prevent dirt from entering their throat and mouth.
6. Gophers have the ability to understand human speech. Specifically, English. Through hearing many a talk from passing humans whilst they reside in their tunnels, they’ve begun the process to speak to humans. Of course, the only language they’ve been able to master is Klingon.
7. Gophers love playing video games. Specifically, their 3 favorite games are ‘God of War: Ragnarok,’ ‘Halo ODST,’ and ‘Jeopardy!’ for the Wii.
8. Gophers can be milked. The act of doing so is quite complicated, almost deserving of its own article (I will never write this), but to summarize, holding 2 fingers to its back and gently petting it will cause it to regurgitate Gopher MilkTM, which can be made into various dairy products. While this is an endangered practice nowadays, those who’ve taken part in consuming some cheese of this substance remark that it tastes much like Whale MilkTM. This is because, obviously, gophers and whales are very close cousins on the evolutionary tree.
9. Gophers are incapable of digesting Taco Bell. While some may think this is a disadvantage, the trait proves to be beneficial to them. In fact, it is proven that this is a case of convergent evolution alongside humans.
10. Gophers are incapable of doing the laundry. Hey, I think my mom wrote this…
11. Gophers are rumored to exist on another plane of reality than us. This is a likely theory due to the fact that gophers often exercise the practice of dark magic, what with drinking goat blood and whatever.
12. Gophers are mammals. If you didn’t know this before, then I’m concerned for your wellbeing.

Well, I hope you’ve learned something new about gophers! Tune in next week where we talk about the world’s hottest, most attractive mammal around, the naked mole rat.

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[THIS WRITTEN DOCUMENT HAS BEEN SEIZED BY THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION.]

*Note: If you didn’t pick up on the sarcasm in this article, we need to inform you that yes, this was a satirical article.