By: Daniel Kendle

(NOTE: This article is not serious in any way (it’s satire). Any potentially strange and eerie ideas and speculations about the universe and its origins and fate are purely for fun. Please do not take this list as any form of grounded matter).

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So, let’s say that you, likely a high school student, have woken up one uneventful Friday morning. You’re happy about your 3-day weekend ahead, and head downstairs to fix yourself some breakfast. Popping 2 slices of bread into the toaster, you pour yourself a slip of coffee, and turn around towards your kitchen window to see a hoard of greenish-gray, maggot-ridden corpses limping around the street.

Obviously, most people would cry, scream, wail at this sight. A phenomenon only known to pop culture ideals, now in real life? Oh, the horror! But you: No. You’ve read my zombie apocalypse survival guide, and now, you know exactly what to do. Because now, here is…

HOW TO SURVIVE A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE IN 11 EASY STEPS:

STEP ONE: REASONABLE ROBBERIES

In order to survive this worldwide pandemic, you must first do the only responsible thing one can do and break into now-abandoned stores and shops, stealing anything that looks to be of some use to you in these trying times. By the time you’ve woken up around 30% of your city’s population will either be dead or zombified, with the other 70% probably too busy to care for some Joe-Schmoe to be ransacking your local Walmart, or whatever.

When deciding on what to steal, do NOT focus on money. This is due to zombies having the highly-deadly skill of not knowing what financial structure is, and so any attempts to bargain with them with the common dollar seldom turn out well. Instead, focus on stuff like camping gear. Tents, fire starters and water purification devices are crucial when mass-genocide is afoot.

STEP TWO: WEAK POINTS

Now, it’s time to learn about a zombie’s weaknesses, and how to exploit them. One way is through sunlight. See, if a zombie is exposed to the sun’s rays after spawning at night, they’ll burst into flames. Keep in mind that they can only spawn in light-levels of 15, otherwise known as complete darkness. When a zombie does die after being lit on fire, you’ll not gain any experience from it afterwards, so this’ll be an important factor in your mob farms in the future…wait.

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Ah, dang. I was accidentally reading the ‘Minecraft’ Wiki. Gimme a minute….

Okay, I’m back. Now, a zombie’s ACTUAL weaknesses are most commonly from plants. Studies have shown that when locking a zombie to a horizontal grid-like structure with several pea pods at the leftmost end, said pods will fire small projectiles at the husks with frightening accuracy. Surprisingly, these peas have small eyes at the head of their stalks, which gives them an advantage when aiming…oh.

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Shoot. I was mistakenly reading the ‘Plants Vs. Zombies’ Wiki. One sec….

Okay, never mind; I can’t find anymore info on zombie weaknesses. Oh well, the point is that zombies are typically these brain-dead losers that couldn’t find their way out of a room even if it had a marked exit sign. (Think about it, why are they always wanting brains all the time?) So, while the quantity of them may be scary, they don’t exactly match the said number of them in IQ.

STEP THREE: FINDING FRIENDS FOR “FUN”

When mankind was first developing, we stuck together in groups in order to care for each other, both individually and collectively. If there was a mastodon attacking, we’d work together to find it off. The same is true for zombie apocalypses as well.

When the inevitable happens and an outbreak of the undead comes along, you need only the most elite, radiant group you can find. Sure, it may seem monstrous to not bring a crying infant with you on your travels, but that’s the thing: little babies only cry, eat, and urinate their beds. And with all that wailing, you’re bound to attract some unwanted attention.

In other words, weaklings are arguably the first to die in a scenario like this. Squeamish? Tough luck! Germaphobic? Who cares! If you’re a little scared of an itty-bitty lil’ lump of zombie flesh, then get over it! This is a zombie apocalypse, not a bunnies-and-kittens apocalypse. There is NO room for the weak in times like this.

With all that being said, here’s a list of teammates to bring with you:

• Military professional
• Doctor
• Dentist (Hygiene is still important)
• Jack-of-all-Trades
• Ammunition Specialist
• Therapist (Death can be hard for some)
• Your Family (Minus any whiny babies; all they’ll do is act as a beacon for zombies to follow with their yowling)
• Herbologist
• Wildlife Expert
• Your Friends

STEP FOUR: HOME EC.

So, you’ve gotten some gear, some teammates, and learned about video game zombies for 2 minutes. Now, the last stage of prep has you finding shelter.

When looking for a new home, NEVER stay in a house. When you have massive hordes of brainless husks skulking around society’s ramparts, the last place you’ll want to be is a small shack. You’ll get surrounded, overwhelmed, and die. You need somewhere much bigger, and I have 2 options for you.

The first is simple: the woods. I mean, what’s larger than a forest? With the exception of the ocean, nothing can compare to hiding out in a shack amidst the pines. Heck, build a treehouse and zombies won’t be able to reach you. The only downside is that you’ll have to survive off the land, and you won’t be able to go back to civilization. So, make sure you’re into venison and partridge, because you’ll need to get used to it.

The other option is a supermarket. While the woods may provide better shelter and safety, your local Target easily wins in terms of resources. You could potentially grow your own food, set up several farms, and potentially start a small community. To put it simply, you have EVERYTHING at your disposal.

The only downsides to the humble grocery store are that it’s much smaller than a forest (duh) and still technically has a limited amount of resources. If you don’t grow crops from the quickly-ripening foods around you’ they’ll wither away and you’ll probably starve.

STEP FIVE: THE GREATEST GAME WEST OF THE BRITISH ISLES

Now that you’ve sorted out all your gear, living situations, and team, now you need to figure out how you’ll spend your time in this apocalyptic situation. Remember, whether it be just outside the supermarket’s automatic doors or the wood’s…woods, there’s still zombies moaning about the decrepit parts of society. So, what can you do for fun around here?

Well, I have just the solution. A game that is so fun, so intrinsically invigorating, so astronomically sound to humanity’s tastes, no one can call it bad. Heck, no one can call it “okay.” No, this game is a piece of art transcending the gods themselves. Of course, I’m talking about…

SLAP THE ROCK.

HOW TO PLAY “SLAP THE ROCK:”

Materials Needed:

• Rocks
• 4 Humans
• Score Board Rules:

1. Set up the scoreboard to have a 4-by-5 table, with each player writing their name in 1 of the four-count columns. Players will have to get 5 points in total to win.
2. Mark out a 36-foot wide circle on a hard floor, preferably of some form of concrete.
3. Set 20 or so rocks in the middle of the floor, all spaced out 6 inches apart.
4. Have all 4 players stand on the line, equally spaced apart like the 4 cardinal directions on a compass.
5. When the whistle blows, the 4 will run towards the rocks in the middle, and will each try to slap a rock with such vigor and might that they’ll split open. One of the 20 rocks will have a white marking inside, and whoever finds and breaks the rock with the mark inside wins the round (It is preferable to get large, crumbly rocks for better slapping technique).
6. Each round will take around 15 minutes to complete, and the game continues until someone has reached the 5 points allotted. The winner receives a cash prize valuing at $30, as well as bragging rights.

STEP SIX: WAYS TO SLAY THE ZOMBIE WITHIN

Oh, no! One of your allies has been infected! Whatever shall you do without my expert guidance? Don’t worry, I’ve been bitten so many times it feels like mosquito bites at this point, so I’ll give you the sage wisdom to treat a zombie mauling.

1. Make sure they’re still alive. If not, harvest their organs for compost fertilizer.
2. If they’re alive, start by examining their injury. There are generally 3 types of infections: bites, claw marks, or open wounds.
3. If bitten, also bite down onto their mark, suck out all the zombie juice, and then spit it all out in the opposite direction. Make sure to wash out your mouth immediately after.
4. If scratched, then treat the flesh well with disinfectant and liquid ibuprofen. This is arguably the easiest way to treat wounds.
5. And if the flesh is actively exposed to the open air, then they’re a lost cause. Zombie apocalypses usually begin with airborne viruses, and a gaping head wound won’t help matters. Do your fallen ally a favor and drop a blunt object on their forehead to put them out of their misery; it’s a proven fact that if you die before being infected by the virus, you won’t become a zombie.

STEP SEVEN: HOW TO PROPERLY HANDLE ZOMBIES

This is easily the most important step in this list. Killing zombies, while sounding easy, is harder than it appears. Some find it incredibly difficult to fathom ending those who’ve turned, though in times like this, mowing through hordes of the infected is necessary. But how do you do so?

For starters, you do NOT want to use any firearms without a muffler. See, if you make too many sounds, you’ll soon get swarmed by zombies and probably die. Gunshots have a strong BANG! BANG! sound, so if you really want to pick off the infected at a distance, go to the dark web and pick up some crossbows or something. Though it’s simply easier to get some machetes, knives, and melee weapons.

However, some people have a weakness to blood, guts, and general carrion. I get that. So, if that’s a grade-A reflection of you, then maybe try being a medic, or therapist. That, or get creative. Maybe trying decapitating the undead with a fishing rod, or giving a zombie a lobotomy with a watering can. Let creativity flow from your weapon of choice!

Now, you may be wondering, “Mr. Whatshisname, you’re acting pretty gung-ho about this apocalypse thing. Why?” And to that I say, why not? Be the light within the darkness; the rest of the world may be slowly descending into the pits of heck, so being kind and compassionate is vital to anyone who isn’t part of the undead. Maybe that’s just me, however.

STEP EIGHT: BUNKER ETIQUETTE

If all else fails, your next step is to probably hunker down inside a fortified stronghold, hidden underground where nothing will be able to see, smell or hear you – besides your bunker-buddies. Yes, it’s time for “the talk,” and how to have proper hygiene in these trying times.

First off, showering around 3-5 times a week is a reasonable amount. You don’t want to become the human-equivalent of a damp dishrag, but it’s important to be clean, shiny, and in good health. The same is true for your teeth, hair, and skin.

When interacting with others in your bunker, it is important to remember these three things: Kindness, Kinship, and Kill.

●  Kindness is to be friendly and courteous to others. Whenever someone shows you an unsolicited piece of friendly kindness, it’s important to pay it back, either in full or doubled. You all are going to be stuck together for a while, so you might as well get along.

●  Kinship is of being a gentle part of one’s family, whether blood or not. Even if not directly related, being a shoulder for others to cry on, a friend to laugh with, or a person to respectfully put others in their places when they’re being weird is good.

●  Kill refers to how you should brutally mutilate someone if they bring their collection of fursuits into the bunker. I’m joking, of course (Probably).

STEP NINE: THE ART OF “SEDUCTION”

So, let’s say you’re someone who’s terrified of using ANYTHING related to some kind of weapon, there is something you can use to defend yourself: you. Yes, we’ve come to the section where only the best, the most good-looking, shall be able to pull off this lucrative technique. Seducing a zombie might sound crazy, but there is a way to go about attracting crowds of the undead. But before I reveal what to do, this is what you should NOT do.

Zombies aren’t ones to generally seek a romantic relationship. If one attempts to do so, the likely outcome is of zombification or death. Thus, the following image is what one should do instead.

Using this method, you can easily dissuade zombies from attacking you using this difficult practice.

STEP TEN: THE FINAL STEP

Alas, we’ve come to the final step, the last bastion before you’re set free. The end of our venture into the world of zombie apocalypses. We’ve covered how to properly rob abandoned stores, video game zombies and their weak points, how to find an effective team composition, crafting a good home for you and your friends, a fun game to play when bored, curing familiars, slaying zombies, how to be a good bunkmate, seducing the undead, and now…the last step. And without further ado, here is the ending statement.

You’re not real.

No, I’m not joking. I’m not playing around, or something. You’re not real.
Life is a simulation; everything and everyone around us doesn’t exist. You don’t, your friends and family don’t, nothing does. The universe is merely a figment of my strings, pulling along humanity in the puppet show of life. Zombies don’t, and will never, exist. The reason I’m telling you these 10 instructions is because in around 100-200 years, the sun will explode, destroying everything in existence.

Thus, I and the other Creators will have to create the world and galaxies once again. And while we do so and jumpstart humanity again, the old world and its people will have to survive a bitter, harsh apocalypse, and yes, zombies are inevitable. So, this list isn’t just for laughs and giggles, it’s for the world to follow and survive, and hopefully gain contact with the new world we will make.

Thanks for reading, and sweet dreams!

– The Creators of the Universe