By: Daniel Kendle

(This article is meant to be read after the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide).

So let’s say that you, likely a high school student, have woken up one uneventful Friday morning. You’re happy about your 3-day weekend ahead, and head downstairs to fix yourself some breakfast. Popping 2 slices of bread into the toaster, you pour yourself a sip of coffee, and turn around towards your kitchen window to see a hoard of greenish-gray, maggot-ridden corpses limping around the street.

And then you wake up.

It was all a dream! You laugh and stretch your arms in a trance of hedonistic elation. The truth is: you’re fine. Zombies don’t exist, outside of that species of ant fungus you hear about on MPR. You throw off your covers, hop out of bed, and begin to remind yourself to check out the new season of ‘The Last of Us.’ That is, until your thoughts are cut short – just like your bedroom.

Half of your house is missing.

Your lips quiver in silent shock. Like a cake cut cleanly into 2, your 3-story home has had half of it seemingly vanish. You peer below the exposed floor beneath you, into the living room. The couch, TV, coffee table…once normal furniture now appears more akin to those of a sliced-open dollhouse.

But who did this? You find your answer soon enough: in the distance, a pair of flying saucers stiffly suck up a car in a lavender tractor beam. They do the same with a tree, a dog, and some geese before speeding away together.

Obviously, most people would cry, scream, wail at this sight. A phenomenon only known to pop culture ideals, but now in real life? Oh, the horror! But you, no. You’ve read my zombie alien apocalypse survival guide, and now, you know exactly what to do. Because now, here is…

HOW TO SURVIVE AN ALIEN INVASION IN 5 EASY, UH…ISH STEPS:

. . .

#1: A BRIEF LESSON IN INTELLIGENCE

So: Aliens have begun an invasion of Earth. Now what? Well, unlike other kinds of apocalypses, aliens are functionally-different from other kinds of threats.

 The main differentiator between aliens and zombies (and most apocalyptic threats, really) is intelligence. Aliens, truth be told, are smart! I mean, they’d have to be to get those rinky-dink dirigibles off the ground, let alone across space. Zombies are the opposite: slow-moving, dim-witted creeps that skulk along the ground.

With this fact comes another soon after: while brains may be an alien’s strength, it’s also their weakness. For any species, increased intellect also comes with increased susceptibility; ergo, they can be outwitted. Say what you want about zombies, but an advantage of being stupid is defense against the cunning.

These 2 pointers will be referenced throughout this guide, for they’re among the most key points of any philosophy for surviving an alien attack. But with them out of the way, we can finally get down to the nitty-gritty.

#2: YOUR FIRST DAY

To begin, let’s establish your goals to accomplish by the end of day 1: you’ll want food, water, and at least a temporary shelter of some kind. Simple, right? Well, it would be, if not for the giant flying vacuum cleaners outside.

By the time you wake up, it’s more than expected that most surrounding infrastructure will be in ruins. Thus, you’ll want to be able to rely on your own 2 legs for transportation; cars, bikes, and even scooters won’t be able to adeptly traverse the wreckage around you. Pack a small bag of tools, toiletries and a few personal items, and set off into the hostile world.

You might initially find yourself not knowing where to start. Aliens pose a deep threat to Earth, yes, though will be more focused on mass extinction of the human race rather than just little, old you. Unless you’re a narcissist, this is great news! Having your opponents fixate on a large group of individuals actually helps your chances of survival. It’s a study of Darwinism at its finest, though now replacing “finches” with “Uncle Mike.”

All of this is to say that there probably won’t be any aliens randomly strolling around. If you’re swift, stealthy and able to keep an eye on the sky, you probably won’t face any issues looting small shops and market stands. With the limited space in your bag, prioritize preservables and seeds, along with bottled water. If you ever find yourself filling fast on food, take a second in a hidden cavity to sort out your most important goodies. Then, cache your leftover items for later.

Now we just need to find a good shelter. This is pretty simple: you’re gonna want to find an area that’s already been pillaged, to a noticeable extent. That way, any UFO’s probing the area won’t bat an eye at where you’ve set up camp. If you leave no traces, any enclosed ruins will provide good cover – for now.

#3: ALIEN COMBAT 101

You’ve done well thus far: you have sustenance, a temporary home, and some scavenged supplies for your journey ahead. But there’s another question that some may already be wondering: what happens if I actually encounter an alien?

Well, sorry to burst your bubble, ‘E.T.’ sympathists: it turns out that a meeting with one of these suckers won’t exactly be a walk in the park. I’ve already said it’s unlikely to meet an alien strolling around, but it’s never unheard of, either. So in preparation for such a scenario, here’s “Combat Wombat™’s Fun-tastic Fightin’ Guide!”

1. Be ready with what you have equipped. If you stumble upon an alien, you don’t want to leave yourself vulnerable by shuffling through your items looking for a weapon. It’s recommended to always carry some kind of melee weapon on you at all times, though in the case you forgot, your fists are gonna have to do the job.
2. Know the enemy. Examine a diagram of the alien invading your planet, if possible. What weak points are visible? What body parts look the most dangerous? Understanding who you’re fighting is the greatest tool a brawler can have. That and, y’know, mercy (bleugh).
3. Acknowledge your arena’s design. In the case of a sudden battle, having a grasp on the space you’re in is always handy. Whether it’s a tree, a boulder, some sheets of metal…anything can be helpful in a scrap.

Alright, those are some good general pointers, but what about moves? Well, here’s a couple that I’ve employed once or twice.

• “The Tentacle Twist.” If your alien assailant has at least 2 tentacles, grab them while they’re distracted, double-knot ‘em, and use the Martian like a jump rope. Extra brownie points if you and a buddy Double Dutch.
• “The Whip Lash.” Some aliens rely on their long tongues for combat. If so, grab theirs mid-stretch and use it to treat their body like a whip, slamming them onto the ground repeatedly.
• “The Glory Kill.” This one’s especially brutal, and not for the faint of heart. Use that survivalist strength of yours and rip out one of their long Sabre teeth, then stab them with it. Just like ‘DOOM!’
• “The Hawk Headslam.” If facing a winged alien, harness your inner pigeon and grab them by the legs mid-flight, slamming both of you to the ground. This maneuver combos well into The Glory Kill.
• “The False Surrender.” This is easily my favorite. If you’re in a corner, feign defeat and grovel in front of them on your knees. During their victory dance, quickly perform a forward roll into a kick with both legs. Then, as you’re catapulted and thrown onto them, twist their neck around. This also pairs nicely with The Glory Kill.

I have more, but hopefully these are enough to satiate your bloodlust. Have fun, and don’t die!

#4: HOME RENOVATIONS & THE DIFFERENT LIGHT SPECTRUMS

You’ve done well to make it this far, but by now you’re probably outgrowing home amongst the abandoned ruins. In an alien apocalypse, you’ll never want to be too settled in an area at the risk of a sudden raid. But for those nonetheless looking for a place to call home, I’ve got you covered.

I’m limited in my Home Economy know-how (and college credits), but I can safely say that camouflage is a must-have when building a new shelter. But how so? Well, not only do you have to account for your home’s physical form, you also have to deal with alien vision.

Popping on my scientist glasses for a sec, aliens see in different light waves than humans, and most animals for that matter. Unlike us, they’re able to see not only our colors, but also either ultraviolet or infrared spectrums, depending on their species’s frontal lobe development.

But here’s the problem: if we can’t see what aliens can, then how can we efficiently blend in with our surroundings? At first this may seem like an inconquerable “2 steps ahead” question, but I do have a solution: mirrors.

Humans are the only species in the universe to have invented mirrors, due to us getting the winning bid for silver manufacturing in the Universal Economic Bidding Event of 13,800,000,000 BC. Us humans won over the Gorgulocks with a bid of 43 Zeptocoins (in the event the Gorgulocks are the ones invading Earth, then this is likely the reason for it).

But I digress. Since aliens don’t know what mirrors are, building an igloo-like structure out of them is a sound idea. When they look down upon your base they’ll see themselves, probing shock, then confusion, then a philosophical quandary, then self-combustion. Awesome!

#5: YOUR MISSION

So far, you’ve learned to scavenge, fight, build, and thrive in this dystopian world. That’s all fine and dandy, but you can’t ride out an alien invasion indefinitely. No, you need some kind of end goal to fend off these parasites, and restore Earth to its former glory.

*Sigh.*

I guess there’s no point in hiding the truth any longer.

My name is Maeve Doherty. I’m an FBI terrorist crimes operative who’s been temporarily assigned to a project involving bioengineering. As of writing this, my team and I are knee-deep in work on a, uh…device meant to be used by the US military.

Earth is currently set to exceed healthy population density by 2055. We here in Area 51 have known about this for some time, and have spent the last 3 decades attempting to find a fix. None have presented themselves, however, so we’ve decided to pull the trigger on our last resort.

This device, nicknamed “Charlie Beetle,” is a 43-ton hypernuke filled with a newly-invented element: Mutonium. This element was first discovered in the Russian steppe, sampled by blood-draining a 5-legged mountain goat corpse. The result? An element that, when mixed with plutonium, can produce an explosion capable of ending all sentient life – at the absolute minimum.

The US government has spent a fortune on subterranean bunkers meant to be leased out to the 0.001%. Unfortunately, the high cost of rent for these places means that there’ll be barely enough genetic variance amongst the dozen or so billionaires in each to create even 1 new generation, let alone repopulate the Earth. To make matters worse, they probably nickname their offspring “Gen Tesla” or some dumb crap like that.

This nuclear fallout, one unavoidable for most, is the reason I made this safety pamphlet. Actually, it’s why I made the zombie apocalypse guide as well. If we’re to hope that someday, somehow, society can be rebuilt, we’ll need to insure our species’s survival until then. These 2 guides are to aid you in combatting any subsequent apocalyptic threats that may threaten that dream.

To whomever may read this: live long. Live well, happily, and craftily. If you survive this bomb and live past the gaseous effects, tell your children what you’ve learned here. Have them tell their children. Have those children tell theirs, and them theirs, and on and on until our world is safe again.

I know I likely won’t live to see this utopia, but as long as someone somewhere can…

…it might just be worth it.

• The Survivors

. . .

(P.S: If you’re wondering why I wouldn’t just write a nuclear fallout guide… er… s-shut up.)