By: Daniel Kendle

‘Ello, ace! It’s me: famed paleontologist and wildlife documentarian Frederick von Franchisesequelheimer II. Never heard of me before, I take it? (Chuckles) Don’t worry mate, I’m not gutted. Matter of fact, I’m chuffed to bits to have a new apprentice to regale my tales of grandeur to.

Since 1954, I have been trekking the world in search of the most marvelous creatures I can find, hoping to document my findings for this field journal you’re now reading. Dragons! Unicorns! The mythic Sasquatch! Why, there’s only a single individual of the latter-most species left in the world, and yet I’ve poached 3 of them!

Yet there remains a class of beasts of whom I’ve never been able to properly capture, nor kill and harvest from. Ever since I was a wee lad in my home in Britain, I’ve always dreamed of making skin medication out of one of their horns…and yet have failed every single attempt I’ve made to catch them. What am I talking about? Simple: kaiju.

Kaiju (roughly translating from Japanese to “strange beast”) is a term denoting large, powerful cryptids the size of mountains. Many have become popular over the years from film and television — and no doubt my numerous reports on them — as icons of national and international pop culture. Of course, that makes them all the more lucrative to myself and other fellow poach-! I mean…wildlife expeditionaries. 

Of course, some of these chaps are more prized than others, so I’d be a mug if I didn’t try and capitalize on that fact. So I thought: ‘a ranking of all these kaiju is a swell idea, innit?’ And you know what, lad? I was right! So here’s a ranking of a handful of kaiju from films around the world, ordered by personal preference. Enjoy!

. . .

#12: “Meganulon(s)”

Film of origin: ‘Rodan’ (1956)

Bloody hell, these beasts are atrocious. They’re basically these cow-sized bugs that crawl around, killing people. Cool, right? But that’s the problem: that’s all they do. They can’t fly, swim, shoot lasers…really, they’re the closest kaiju on this list to resembling a regular animal.

They weren’t even the main monsters of the movie they come from! Don’t even bother hunting Meganulons down: their hide is tacky, their claws, weak, and don’t even get me started on their ghastly eyes. Bunch of chavs, the lot of them.

#11: “Space Godzilla”

Film of origin: ‘Godzilla vs. Space Godzilla’

(Sniffs) I’m not much of a space enthusiast myself. I find the idea of aliens existing ridiculous, preposterous, absurd, droll, vacuous, facetious, gelastic, and really, a bit dumb. In my years of traveling around the world, poaching any animal stupid enough to cross my way, I’ve never been able to figure out a way to hunt an alien; they just float around up there in space, barely out of reach of my Poachin’ Pistols™. Perhaps that’s why I hold some animosity towards Space Godzilla. That, and its design being the dumbest on this list. Yikes.

#10: “Anguirius”

Film of origin: ‘Godzilla Raids Again’

Anguirius is to other Kaiju what Pluto is to other Mickey Mouse characters: they’re all technically animals, yet some are, for whatever reason, bestowed with consciousness. What’s up with that? How come Goofy and Pluto — both dogs, mind you — can occupy the same space, yet only the former can freely express and communicate themselves like an intelligent being? Not to delve too deep into fictional canine class relations, but these questions have plagued me ever since my childhood in Belfast.

Anguirus is a kaiju like all the others, yet somehow feels like the dog of the group. Get off your hands and knees, Anguirus! Stop looking like a dope and actually do something cool! What a lame-o.

#9: “Baragon”

Film of origin: ‘Frankenstein vs. Baragon’

Despite the movie it originated from having an ironically-hilarious title, this dude’s just kind of boring. Better than the last 3, yeah, but what kind of poacher would I be to want this fella’s head over my mantle board? Not even a mother could love a face like that! Oh well: Baragon was apparently an inspiration for the Pokémon Nidoking, so as a poacher who enjoys #gaming, I suppose that’s cool.

#8: “King Kong”

Film of origin: ‘King Kong’

When it comes down to it, liking King Kong is basically dependent on how much you like gorillas. As for moi, they’re…fine, I guess? They’ve never been a favorite animal of mine, so the idea of trying to take down a colossal version of one has never been my fancy. Apparently this guy fights, like, dinosaurs back home, so that’s kinda sick. Whatever.

#7: “Gamera”

Film of origin: ‘Gamera, the Giant Monster’

I like turtles. Who doesn’t? Yeah, snakes are infinitely-cooler, but hey — nobody’s ever complained about adding 4 legs to one. And a shell.

Gamera’s an iconic figure in both pop culture and hunting circles, the latter of which I’m much more invested in. That out of the way, they really are just…a fire-breathing turtle. It’s as if its character designers didn’t really know how to make a giant turtle cool, so they bit the bullet and let it partake in everyone’s favorite pastime: arson. And y’know what? That kind of works for it!

#6: “Rodan”

Film of origin: ‘Rodan’

Ducks, pheasants and other medium-sized birds are popular game for hunters, and I’m no different. So that begs the question: does that admiration translate over to pterodactyls? Uh…yeah. Maybe.

Look, the idea of a giant pterosaur that flies at supersonic speeds is cool, but Rodan was really let down by its appearance in early films. It really just looked like an oversized turkey; I found myself chortling in my cinema seat when first viewing it. Granted, later ‘Godzilla’ films have made me reconsider potentially hunting and poaching it; they look a lot cooler. Still relatively-low on this list, but Rodan could still become one of my most sought-after choices of game someday.

#5: “Mechagodzilla”

Film of origin: ‘Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla’

Wha-? …what am I, a wildlife hunter, supposed to say about a robot? (Sighs) Maybe this list wasn’t such a great idea: here I am, rambling about random monsters, while I could be out scalping wildebeests like I usually do.

My stance on Mechagodzilla is similar to that of King Kong: if you like what it’s based on, you’re probably gonna like its respective kaiju too. The good thing is that I find world-destroying lizards far cooler than boring apes, so by proxy I guess I like Mechagodzilla. I mean, ANYTHING’S better than Space Godzilla, at least.

#4: “Mothra”

Film of origin: ‘Mothra’

I’ve got a mate back home that’s into entomology; chap’s gonna be livid with this placement. Oh, his name? Franz Kafka.

Mothra seems to be a fan favorite amongst both film and poaching circles. Do I like it as much as others seem to? Nah. Do I respect it, though? Yeah, of course! Without any context, the song the 2 fairies sing about it in ‘Mothra vs. Godzilla’ is a bop, and it’s pretty inspiring to see an overgrown grub beat up a radioactive reptile. You go, queen!

#3: “Biollante”

Film of origin: ‘Godzilla vs. Biollante”

I’ve never seen a production of ‘Little Shop of Horrors,’ but I’ve always been into the carnivorous plant archetype of creature designs because of it and this lad. Biollante is a rad concept for a Kaiju, combining a flower, a lizard and the damned soul of a child into one awesome opponent. Heck, I’ve got all 3 of those things in my basement, I could make my OWN Biollante if I wanted to!

Oh, that reminds me: I need to go home and water my plants real quick. Don’t worry, I left a written note for the next ranking. See you in a second.

#2: “Godzilla”

Film of origin: ‘Godzilla’ (1954)

#1: “King Ghidorah”

Film of origin: “Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster”

Ever since I first picked up poaching, I knew from the start what my dream game would be to bag. King Ghidorah is my all-time favorite Kaiju, with its film being among the best ‘Godzilla’ movies too. There’s just something so compelling about this 3-headed beast that’s made it my white whale. Elusive, yes — but that’ll just make it all the sweeter when I finally add it to my collection of taxidermied trophies.

. . .

Welp! (Slaps thighs) I guess that’s that: the ranking’s done, and I’ve finally made up my mind as for what to pursue next. Er, well…hmph.

I don’t know if I should be telling you this, reader, but…a few days ago I got a call from someone asking to put a hit on another. Now, I may be adept at hunting wildlife, but murdering another man…I couldn’t imagine it. Still, I reluctantly took the job to ensure my bills get paid. Good coin was offered, anyways.

While unorthodox for even me, I suppose this is my next operation. It’s horrible, yes, but what else could I do? Hunting all of these Kaiju isn’t easy, and I need all the funds I can get. Should be a pretty easy job, too: the person on the phone even mailed me a picture of them.

So that’s all from me, gang. Cheers, and thanks for reading. And while I’m at it, if any of you guys have any intel on this person I’m set to murder, feel free to reach. Until then, however…

…I’ll be waiting.