By: Daniel Kendle

…a psycho-path, if you will.

Hey gang, it’s me – Mr. Whatshisname, and welcome back to JOYSTiCK Reviews. After another year of writing for this serial, we’ve reached another milestone: the end of season 2! It’s been fun, but alas, the road’s end has come upon us. As customary, at the end of today’s review we’ll be taking a look at a brief ranking of all of the game’s I’ve reviewed thus far, with both season 1 and 2 titles included. This is so we can not only look back on the series as of yet, but doing so also lets me update scores as I see fit.

Of course, any review to be included alongside the aforementioned ranking ought to be short and sweet. Thus, I’ve dove into my “archive” (fat closet) of video game personals and have chosen the title ‘Psycho Soldier,’ released by SNK for arcades in 1987. The game is yet another retro title, the first I’ve reviewed since ‘Tetris.’

‘Psycho Soldier’ is a side-scrolling “shmup” (shoot-em’-up) game following Athena Asamiya and Sie Kensou, a pair of soldiers who, believe it or not, possess psychic powers used to fight back against an alien invasion of Japan. The game follows whichever one the player picks – though Athena is often seen as more of the game’s main main character between the two – as they descend into the Earth’s crust while fighting monsters and aliens.

Combat involves a handful of Psycho abilities, with a gauge in the bottom-left of the screen dictating the amount you have left. Attacks have you shoot out exploding orbs, lasers, and even let you transform into a different beast form depending on which character you choose, despite both functioning similarly.

I played through the game on a console, so it wasn’t required that I insert coins or tokens to continue playing after dying. This is the case for a lot of arcade-to-console ports, and I think that’s part of the reason the gameplay overall really didn’t click for me. It also goes that I’m not really a person who frequents high-score games often; I just don’t find them all that compelling compared to games with a definitive end point. These factors combined led to my experience with the game culminating in me dying, respawning, and continuing the level without worrying about my loss of points. I’m willing to admit that this is less so the game’s fault as it is my own, so I can’t really degrade it for my own personal values.

What I can degrade, however, are the controls. It’s not rare for older arcade titles to be fairly limited in movement when ported over to console controls, especially modern ones. ‘Psycho Soldier’ is no different: Athena’s movements are particularly stiff and slow, creating a bevy of problems when precise aiming is required for certain enemies. The issue is found with bosses too; some have attacks that involve them quickly darting out and striking you, which can become difficult to avoid if you aren’t in an ample spot for dodging. Since they usually take up the right half of the screen when encountered, your limited space to maneuver, er, limits the practicality of dodging these attacks.

Other than that, powerups and enemies are pretty forgettable, nothing to run home about. I suppose there’s a sort of brainless fun to be had when mowing down aliens and destructible blockades, but that feels like a lame “positive” for a video game.

“B-but Mr. Whatshisname! What about the game’s theme song, the first ever recorded for a video game character? You couldn’t possibly leave out that,” you wail, somehow ignorant to the raised cudgel being aimed at your head. I tolerate mindless whining about as much as I tolerate insubordination – I suppose you can connect the dots from there.

You’re correct in your nagging, though: ‘Psycho Soldier’ was the first-ever video game to feature a song with vocals included for one of its characters, creatively-dubbed as the “Psycho Soldier Theme”. After listening to the VHS version, ‘Super Smash Bros. Ultimate’ remix, and various instrumental versions of the song, I honestly think it’s a solid song, despite its age. Nothing crazy, really: given the technical restraints present during the 80’s, I could never expect the most radical of melodies, but it’s still aged decently-well. It’s my favorite part of the game, truthfully!

That’s about it, honestly. ‘Psycho Soldier’ is a simple little package, though one that I ultimately never found myself very interested in during my playthrough. It’s around 40-ish minutes in length, so it thankfully never felt like a waste of time. Still, I give it a 5/10.

But now that that’s done with, let’s move onto my ranking of all games reviewed so far – ‘Psycho Soldier’ included! Like any YouTube personality who doesn’t know what “personality” even means, my opinions are pretty, uh, quirky OwO.

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#17: ‘Cocomelon: Play with JJ’ (2/10)

#16: ‘A Minecraft Movie’ (4/10)

#15: ‘Minecraft Story Mode’ (4/10)

#14: ‘Psycho Soldier’ (5/10)

#13: ‘Reigns: Three Kingdoms’ (6/10)

#12: ‘Pokemon TCG Pocket’ (6/10)

#11: ‘Splatoon 3’ (6/10)

#10: ‘Kirby and the Forgotten Land’ (7/10)

#9: ‘Pokemon Scarlet’ and ‘Pokemon Violet’ (7/10)

#8: ‘Wingspan’ (8/10)

#7: ‘Minecraft Dungeons’ (8/10)

#6: ‘Portal’ (8/10)

#5: ‘Super Smash Bros. Ultimate’ (9/10)

#4: ‘Pokemon Legends Arceus’ (9/10)

#3: ‘Cuphead’ (9/10)

#2: ‘Tetris’ (10/10)

#1(!): ‘Metroid Dread’ (10/10)

And with that out of the way, the season’s officially done with! A shame that the very first game I reviewed is still the best, but it’s whatever. Hopefully next year we can see some tough competition, but until then, thanks for reading, and see you for season 3!