By: Daniel Kendle
(This article is a work of “exotic” satire, and the author has no disrespect towards chess, or to those who play it).
Hey guys, it’s me, anthropologist and taxidermist Chonga Dingle. In today’s article I’ll be going over a step-by-step guide on how to win every game of chess ever, and also how to be really cool while doing it. It seems that a lot of people forget that chess is extremely difficult, and because of such a truth I thought I must enlighten you on what to do correctly.
Anyways, in this video you must understand that I am a very fancy chess player, and as such I’ll be using terminology that all of you peons will be likely confused with as this film goes on. Unfortunately, I am also a very cruel chess player, and because of that I won’t be able to slow down for the misguided in our community. However, I’ll embolden any cryptic words that some may not know about. Hopefully this makes it so you can look up any weird phrases throughout this podcast (‘accessibility is key,’ and all that).
Okay, so the first thing new players need to know is that the best way to win is to have very dexterous hands. Dexterity is important in handling chess pieces, for the important reason of “because I said so.” But to have hands like mine, – the most flexible in the land – you’ll need the special “Finger Water” to slather over your hands. This requires you to walk 10,000 paces sideways up the Binga-Winga mountain, then talk to the Man, who’ll give you the Finger Water after doing a dance for him.
To learn this dance, you’ll need to go back home and walk 10,000 paces backwards to the Basilisk’s nest, where you need to rub the egg with your hand 58 times in a counterclockwise motion, where after the Basilisk chick will come out and give you a jetpack and the $19 ‘Fortnite’ card. After shaking hands, leave the nest and walk 6 miles west and give the jetpack to the Jumping Lady, who will teach you the dance in return.
Once you’ve learned the dance, wait a day before going back to the Binga-Winga mountain and perform it in front of the Man. He will shout his usual mating call, of which cannot be written on paper due to eldritch curses in the 16th century. Then he’ll hop down the Hole of Jobs and bring back an iPhone. This phone will now lead you to the Finger Water. Find the location of the water, dig up the hidden basin, and throw the phone inside it. This will make the water transform into the Finger Water, and you will be able to dip your hands in and achieve prime flexibility.
Okay, that was part 1, the infant’s ballad. Now I, Chonga Dingle, will teach you how to win every game of chess that you’ll ever play.
When you start a match, make sure you’ve applied the Finger Water before someone is gripping the first piece. If you forget and slather yourself in it after the game begins, you instantly explode and die (I’ve learned this from past experience). If desired, recite the ‘Allaying Chant of Chess’ after applying the water for a 15% boost in EXP during the match. Unlike the Man’s mating call, I can type it down in a written document, so here it is:
“The Allaying Chant of Chess” (Proximus Sol Version; abbreviated. Written by anonymous, published by Hobart J. Chess in 1192)
‘Humans of this beguiling night, see my worth
In this manic type of plight, through demons of mirth!
O, to be a acolyte to the Bringer, see me, yes
But I wish to be nothing more than a Pawn on your board, your board.’
(Hoo-ha AKAB. Hoo-ha AKAB).
‘Humans of the watching void, see my eyes
Sense the world destroyed, and see immortal laerds rise! Make me a tool in your wretched time of blood (blood), For I am but a Knight in the astral board of sight.’
(Hoo-ha AKAB. Hoo-ha AKAB).
‘Humans of the endless world, see me in your dreams,
Creatures of the curled, vigils of the seams.
But I am such a neophyte, an finite source of work
For the Rooks and Bishops of a different plane are those who judge Earth.’
(Hoo-ha AKAB. Hoo-ha AKAB).
‘To round off this cry for help, wailing to the stars,
I speed towards Venus, then to Mercury and Mars.
On the end of this planet are those who give me life (life), The King and Queen of misery, shapers of strife.’
(Hoo-ha AKAB. Hoo-ha AKAB. Hoo-ha AKAB. Hoo-ha AKAB).
Once you’ve done that, you’ll get a green rhombohedron above your head. This indicates the EXP boost. If you win, the percentage will double.
Now, playing chess is actually pretty simple, really. Simply cash in the $19 ‘Fortnite’ card you got from the Basilisk chick and you’ll instantly receive a catalog of different chess maneuvers, costing around a dollar each. These strategies were specifically chosen and designed by those of the Chess Chapel, and finalized by the Champion of Chess. Once you pick a move you want to play, a dollar will be depleted from your account and a specific piece will be moved.
However, you’ll eventually either run out of money or want to move pieces without depleting your ‘Chess Change,’ so that’s when we transition into traditional chess-playing. Now, everyone knows how to play chess, but this article is specifically on winning chess, so because of this loophole I get less work. If you’d like a brief overview of chess, however, then it’s basically players taking turns moving pieces along an 8×8 checkerboard.
This switching of playing traditional chess and “Microtransaction Chess” is how most games will play out in the current chess metagame. The key to winning is to balance spending and saving, and only purchasing stronger, paid moves with the $19 ‘Fortnite’ card when a safe strategy presents itself. However, now it’s time for Chonga Dingle’s patented “Chess Chatter,” where I go over some important tips and fun facts.
- In 1832, Bosk Omat Chess taught the very first animal to play chess. You may think that he’d would’ve taught a dog, cat, or mouse, but instead explained the game to his pet anteater, Ringo. If you recite this factoid during a game of chess, you receive an additional 5% EXP boost.
- If both players run out of money on their gift card during the same round of a game, the pair must sing the Allaying Chant of Chess again, because the rare round in which this can happen will often be considered bad luck by chess aficionados.
- Chess pieces are made from Chessnuts. They’re harvested and further-manufactured in Chessapeake Bay.
- Chesster Chess was seen as the world’s best chess player during the mid-2000’s thanks to his unique and intricate tactics during matches. His “main” was the Rook (a zoner option), and implemented the “Chesster Bester” technique, where through the button combinations “Up-Up-Left-L1-L2-Down,” he could infinitely lock other players into a state of perpetual stun-locking during a game of chess, eventually culminating in a K.O. This input chain could be performed seconds into the match, making him one of the deadliest players in ‘Mortal Pawnbat: Khessmageddon’ in 2006.
- If you move your Queen piece during 7 consecutive turns without losing any other pieces on your side, you’ll unlock a unique move called the “Lucky-7 Finisher.” This move has a pawn in the right corner of the player who uses it, and the piece then moves up-right 8, then left 8, making a vaguely-shaped 7. Any pieces in the way of the 7 are given to the player who enacts the move.
- The Chess Council has received numerous requests for nerfs for the finisher, but even through balance patches the move still hasn’t been gutted. The finisher was added in the 1.9 update back in 1901, leading to a lot of people sticking to rules and formatting from the 1.8 update released in 1772.
- In ‘Super Smash Bros. for the Nintendo 3DChess and PiiU,’ several fun playable characters were added. Some were 1st party characters, like Little Rook and Pawnutena, as well as 3rd party, external characters from non-chess games, like Checkers Man, Bayochaturanga, and also Pac-Man. The game’s successor, going by the subtitle ‘Pawntimate’ included King K. Rook, Bishopleth, and Kazuya from ‘Settlers of TeCatan.’
- The following are new pieces under consideration to be added in the 1.11 update for chess:
○ Squire: like the Knight, the squire moves in a vaguely 7-shaped pattern. However, instead of moving 2 tiles forward, it moves 1 tile forward and then 1 to the left or right.
○ Wolf: the Wolf hunts the Knight, since the latter takes on the appearance of a horse. During a game of chess, the Wolf can only be moved to a tile immediately in a Knight’s vicinity.
○ Tank: Tanks can only move along the edges of the board, but can move as many places as they want within this limitation.
○ Ghost: Ghost pieces can revive 1 chess piece during a game, but have to be discarded right after being used.
○ Flamingo: similar to their real-life counterpart, if at least 2 of a player’s flamingos are placed next to each other, they become immortal and can’t be claimed.
○ Bouncy Ball: when first used in a game, these pieces can move 10 spaces forward. The next turn they can be moved 9, then 8, then 7, and so on until reaching 0, where they must be discarded.
○ Remote Control: players can only use a Remote Control piece once per game. When used, it lets Player A move one of Player B’s pieces.
○ Thimble: if a player moves the Thimble around all 4 sides of the board during a game, they get $200 (now with optional race-car, dog, and top hat cosmetic skins).
○ Alien: Alien pieces introduce the new “Colonization” mechanic to chess, where a player can claim the opposing player’s Rook and transform it into a fortress, which acts as a shield for the King. A player must attack the castle 5 times to break into it, and then can finally reach the King.
○ Electric Eel: this piece “stuns” any opponent’s piece it’s next to for 4 turns, making that piece incapable of moving.
○ Submarine: Submarines aren’t able to be attacked by Pawns, but if a sub on 1 player’s side is eliminated, the other sub they get is too.
Well, it seems that we’ve reached the end of this show. After teaching you all of my chess tricks and tips, you may be wondering about my credibility as a source. Well, I, Chonga Dingle, have been seen as a primary chess master and teacher since the game’s inception 50-ish years ago. Thousands have been taught under my wing, and I’ve been heralded as a leading face of chess for decades. Heck, I’ve never even played chess before, THAT’S how good I am.
But I digress; it seems that you’re ready to begin your adventure into the world of chess, and I couldn’t be happier. Young pupil, I wish you well, and hope that your future is very much a bright beacon for chess-playing and teaching. Until next time, loyal radio-listeners, as I bid you…
…adieu.
