The official fast food tier list

Image via debatewise.org

As long as American’s have had a public health crisis, one thing’s been for sure: We do love our fast food. From Burger King to Dairy Queen (I’m too clever, I know), there’s plenty to chose from, and how would any reasonable person be able to pick the best option?

Well, since you’re desperate enough to click an internet article called “The official fast food tier list,” I’ll be kind enough to show you my official ranking system for every fast food place that matters, and I’ll also advise you to please consider immediate therapy.

The rules for the rankings below are simple: the higher tier on the list, the better, the furthest to the left on a tier, is the best place, and the furthest to the right is the worst. Now that you spent actual time in your life, that you could’ve used doing something productive, by making an attempt to sincerely understand how this works, I present to you, the official tier list (now if this isn’t the most exciting moment in your life, you’re an actual liar):

Now you may be looking at this image with shock, or be frighted in some way. But don’t worry, it’s just the truth you’re looking at. It’s glory is truly one to behold. Now, this is based off of taste, restaurant quality, and objective facts. I’m essentially coming down from fast food heaven giving the world its ten commandments on which paper bags filled with grease and meat, that we like to call food, is worth delightfully shortening your lifespan with the most.

First of all, Olive Garden is in fast food purgatory at the very bottom of the F tier, as even though it’s more of a restaurant than a fast food chain, it’s food is pretty much equal in quality to fast food, and it’s the worst at that even.

It’s sharing the room with Starbucks because, well… nobody really likes Starbucks, we just kinda…go there. I mean there’s frappachinos, aka milkshakes, that are placebo’d to make your mind trick you into thinking it tastes like coffee, but even then, you could just get the same quality at a coffee shop where you have to sacrifice the chance of possibly seeing a B-list celebrity in order to get slightly above decent food.

Also, KFC is there because the quality really speaks for itself over there. (It’s not like I wouldn’t eat at any of these places if given the chance, I mean hey if it’s deep fried, how bad could paper towels really taste?)

D tier really is nothing particularly interesting, as they are just equally abysmal restaurants, but their food isn’t as inedible. And as you know from reading this article, I definitely appreciate quality exquisite fine dining™ as I’ve been quoted by saying my favorite food is Pringles.

The pinnacle of capitalism known as the Double Down Dog via foodbeast.com

Coming in at C tier we have food that’s just starting to be palatable, and taking baby steps into my fast food hall of fame. Now, as a person who’s lived in the “Whole Foods” of countries, known as Canada, I’ve been to a place known as Tim Horton’s, and man it’s really…. average, I guess. It’s pretty much Dunkin’ Doughnuts, but with sandwiches, and less doughnuts. But it’s better in quality than all the other places I’ve named so far because, I said so, and most Americans who’ll read this probably don’t know this but, Justin Trudeau has an explosive microchip implanted in the brain of every Canadian citizen, and I can’t risk giving Tim Horton’s that bad of a score at this point.

Other than that, Subway is pretty much just a dream come true for 3rd graders who’ve always wondered what it would be like if they made the food from Lunchables mystery meat sandwich packs into a restaurant.

Also, Mac and Don’s, as your 46-year-old uncle calls it, is pretty much the same as Burger King food wise, except for the fact that you don’t have to hide your shame as much when eating at Burger King, so it’s slightly higher on the list.

Now, at number B (number B?) we have Wendy’s. Now, Wendy’s being the only corporation in human history to successfully appeal to teenagers using advertising, is pretty good. I mean, it’s a solid fast food place, that doesn’t make me have to use one of my sick days after eating it. But personally, I would put Jack in the Box above it, but I won’t because it kinda sorta um…gave near 750 people E. coli in the 90’s…sooo…it gets docked a point in my book.

But A&W is a better burger place than both (I’m pretty sure they aren’t in America, so just take my word for it), and Little Caeser’s is the best fast food pizza place by far. I am willing to fight you on this in a wild western style duel in which one of us shoots after walking ten paces in the opposing directions. I am 100% serious, this is completely not a joke, meet me during High Noon at Town Square you Pizza Hut lovin’ scoundrel.

Zupas logo, via cafezupas.com

Now we’re in the big leagues, the big zone, rookies keep out, this is professional football here. This article is getting too long for me to sound like a human being with sanity, so let’s keep the highlights brief. Jimmy Johns essentially succeeds everywhere that Subway fails. It’s like somebody tried Subway and was like “Hey, this would be pretty good if it were made out of actual ingredients instead of paper mache.”

And now for my most controversial opinion yet: Taco Bell is, and will always be, better than Chipotle. You heard it here first folks. Now, before you execute me like French Royalty in the 1700s, let me speak my piece: Taco Bell will always be there for you, Chipotle will not. At three in the morning, with only five bucks to spare, and your life is spiralling out of control, Taco Bell will embrace you with admittedly gross warm open arms. And unlike Chipotle, Taco Bell takes risks.

Chipotle is good for when you want actual cuisine which at least mildly resembles Mexican food. But Taco Bell is different. Taco Bell triumphs over all the rest and are like “Hey, what if instead of a taco shell, we use a waffle covered in maple syrup for a taco? Or what if we just use a breaded piece of Dorito crusted chicken for a taco shell, and call it a Chalupa?” They say this as every Mexican that ever died does an Olympic triathlon in their grave. Which is bold of Taco Bell, like you gotta just look at it from the angle of, not a Mexican place, but an American place which parodies Mexican food. And if you do, it gets a whole lot better.

Not like any of that matters, because Naf-Naf is like a pick your own ingredients thing, but it’s with really good Middle Eastern food, so it’s like infinitely better in every way.

Okay, so finally, this article is coming to a close, and you’ll be free from reading this excuse for journalism I call an article. But before that, we must discuss the top tiers. The alpha wolves of the pack, I’m talking – Five Guys, and Panda Express. First of all. Five guys is the Ace of the burger restaurants. It triumphs over every other one, in every argument, no matter what. It’s just too powerful…the Cajun style fries have a level of sodium that just can’t be beat. Five Guys is pretty much the fast food equivalent to the gates of heaven.

But heaven itself? Well young reader, that’s what we call the Holy Land: Panda Express (Pandrusalem). My young and naive reader, you’ve come so far, you’ve read this entire article for some reason, and finally, you’ve reached the truth; there is no other truth but Panda Express (yes this is a cult now just go with it). For those who’ve had the devastating misfortune of never attending one of the SACRED locations of the divine Panda, it is an American Chinese food restaurant which shall not be compared to a mere mortal such as Leean Chin. It had FOUNDED the very staple dish known as Orange Chicken. It has built its empire only upon the foundation of Honey Walnut Shrimp, and I PITY the mere fool who doubts the power of the Sweetfire Chicken, all delicately placed upon a bed of chow mien fit for an Emperor on thy throne. No other restaurants matter; it’s all Panda Express now. Panda Express is the Kendrick Lamar of restaurants; it is the GOAT of eatery. Need I say more?

And, I’d like to sincerely apologize for having anybody read this, as you can tell I have too much time on my hands to be healthy.

Summer jobs

Summer break is right around the corner, which for many teens means time to make money. Whether you’re saving up for college, spending it at the mall, or going to a concert, summer offers the plenty of freetime to make money. Here are a few ways you can do this:

Mow lawns. Since there is no longer snow on the ground, mowing lawns is the perfect opportunity to make easy cash. You can post an ad somewhere or go door to door to mow your neighbor’s lawns–just protect your information and stay safe.

Babysit. Babysitting or nannying offers flexible hours that fit your schedule. Sometimes it can make you just as much money as a part-time job. You can babysit children in your neighborhood or family friends as a way to start out.

Walk dogs. If you like dogs, this is the perfect one for you! You can set up a weekly or daily dog walking service and advertise it.

Clean houses. Plenty of people need someone to vacuum weekly or take out the trash. Offer a cleaning service with a set price, but only to people you know at first. It is important to stay safe when entering other people’s homes.

Declutter. You can sell things that you no longer need! Whether this be clothes or old games, you can sell them many ways. This could be through social media or at a physical garage sale.

Sell homemade goods. Maybe you have a hobby – such as baking or bracelet making. Whatever this may be, you can sell what you’ve made on social media platforms or from home. Just make sure to advertise.

Run errands. You can run errands for busy parents or older people, which is an easy way to make cash. This could be grocery shopping, filling up their car with gas, or picking up their favorite takeout.

Lifeguard. If you’re interested in becoming a lifeguard, or already are certified, you can lifeguard at your local pool or beach. Make sure that you have taken a lifeguarding class before applying for jobs.

Golf caddy. Apply to be a golf caddy at your nearest golf course. It’s a good way to make money, as well as meet new people. You can also receive tips for your hard work!

Garden or landscape. Offer to do challenging or boring landscaping tasks for people, such as weeding their garden or picking up sticks in their front yard. To get these jobs, make sure to advertise well, while still being safe about your contact information.

Included on this list there’s a few basic, and a few exciting, new tasks you could try to spice up your summer! From just running errands to trying gardening and landscaping, there’s a large variety of things you could do! This list certainly does not have all of them, so take this as inspiration and let your imagination run wild! Have an amazing summer everyone.

Metro Transit summer bus pass

I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want to spend my entire summer at my house. There is an easy solution to that though. Metro Transit is offering summer bus passes to high school students for $29.

June 1st through September 3rd, students will be able to ride on buses and trains under a $3.25 fare with this pass unlimitedly. One of the services this pass will not pay for are the Northstar trips, so please, do not try to use these passes for it. The passes can only be used between 5am and 10pm. Students that get the passes must agree to Metro Transit’s code of conduct. Each student can only get one pass.

Highland is one of the high schools participating, and seniors can also get this pass.

Connected to this program, Metro Transit is partnering with Second Harvest Heartland. They are offering nutritious, free meals to kids and teens over the summer at specific sites, which you can use the pass to get to. If you want to learn more about them, visit: https://www.2harvest.org/who–how-we-help/services-and-programs/programs/sfsp/participant-page.html?utm_source=metrotransit#.XPe3TslOk0M.

If you wish to buy the pass using cash, you can buy it at Metro Transit Service Center.

If you plan on using the bus this summer, I would suggest getting this pass to save money.

If you are wondering what other schools are participating, or where to buy the pass, go to: https://www.metrotransit.org/summer-student-pass.

Metro Transit suggests that you register your pass when you have received it. That allows them to replace your pass easily if it has been lost or stolen for a $5 processing fee.

Sales this year began on May 15th, so if you enjoyed the pass this year, be on a lookout around then next year for it.

‘The Fourth Turning’

A generation is a group of people that are born and live around the same time. Each generation shapes itself by the people who choose their beliefs, behaviors, and basic attitudes. Being born around the same time, and growing up with similar childhoods, a generation begins to develop similar personas.

According to https://www.fourthturning.com/, generations are identified with specific archetypes that defines similar patterns in individuals. Over the course of centuries, there has been a recurring pattern of the four archetypes. There are four different archetypes: the hero, the artist, the prophet and the nomad. The hero are born after a spiritual awakening, where on the other hand, the nomad is born during a spiritual awakening. The artist archetype is born during a great war or historical crisis, while the prophet is born after a great war or crisis. For further information on each archetype visit www.lifecourse.com.

It was hypothesized by Talcott Parsons that society moves on when an availability and demand for social order rises or falls. This created a theory of having different phases in an era that counts up to four. These phases note the mood of the era and how a generation came of age. Each phase is named after an ordinal number with the word turing as its following.

According to www.lifecourse.com, each turning has its own description and a main generation archetype. The First Turning is time when individualism is weak, institutions are strong, and when the society is confident where they want to go. The most recent example of this turning would be post World War II. The main archetype of this turning was the artist archetype, and the group is also known as the Silent Generation, if born from 1925-1942.

The Second Turning is when institutions begin to be attacked due to the new personal and spiritual autonomy. People become tired from the high of social discipline and begin to seek personal authenticity. The most recent example would be the Consciousness Revolution during 1964-1984. The prophet is the main archetype for this turning because of their passionate idealism.

The Third Turning is the opposite of what the First Turning is: having weak and distrusted institutions and strong individualism. In this turning, society learns that they must change to enjoy life. The most recent event of the Third turning is the Long Boom and Culture Wars. The nomad is the main archetype of this turning, and they were also known as Generation X.

The Fourth Turning has been known for becoming new founding moments by redefining the national identity. The most recent event in America that can be defined as being apart of the Fourth Turning is the Great Recession of the 2000s. The main archetype of this turning is the hero archetype, and is also known in present time as the Millennial Generation.

If you are interested in further knowledge about this topic, you can read the book The Fourth Turning: An American Prophecy – What the Cycles of History Tell Us About America’s Next Rendezvous with Destiny, by William Strauss and Neil Howe.                

Top five places to go in the summer

Looking for something to do this summer? Here are a places you can go for fun:

Como Zoo: The Como Zoo and Conservatory offers free admission to the public. You can go visit lions and tigers and polar bears. You can enjoy the day with your family and friends, and you can walk around and see the animals and observe things that they do. Then you can go over to the Como amusement park for the rides, games and food.

Disneyland: Disneyland is one of the first two theme parks built at the Disneyland resort in California. The $17 million theme park was built on 160 acres. Its creator, Walt Disney, was born Chicago in 1901, and he worked as a commercial artist before he set up a small studio in Los Angeles to produce animated cartoons.

Minnesota State Fair: The great Minnesota get together is for families, and this year it’s on Aug. 22, to Labor Day, Sept. 2. It is one of the largest state fairs in the United States. It was founded in 1854, and its mission was to promote Minnesota agriculture. The first one was held in Minneapolis in 1855.

Fort Snelling State Park: The park is operated by Minnesota Historical Society, and requires that you have a separate entrance fee. The park offers activities like: fishing, hiking, bike trails, and cross country skiing.

Minnehaha Park: This parkis a pearl located in Minneapolis. It is home to Minnehaha falls, and the lower reaches of Minnehaha Creek. The park offers many events like: a biking path, disc golf course, public art, volleyball court, garden, and picnic area. The park was purchased by Minneapolis for the state of Minnesota in 1889.

For more information, please visit these sites:

https://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/disneyland-opens

https://www.mnstatefair.org/

https://www.dnr.state.mn.us/state_parks/park.html?id=spk00154#homepage