So, over the day of the fifth, of the Cinco de Mayo of May, I celebrated my Latina heritage by going to get Bill Gates’s purple flurp injected into my arm. That’s right, I had the big ol’ 2nd vaccine. It was, the Pzifer or however you spell it, but nonetheless, I managed to get it finally, and now I’ll never have to wear and mask, and can slurp vomit off the sidewalk if I do feel so inclined.
But honestly, I can’t imagine being one of those people who say that vaccines are filled with baby eyeballs or whatever and it’ll make you Animorph into a starfish, or something like that, because I really am the dictionary definition of a “hypochondriac”.
Which, according to the Oxford dictionary is: “A person who is abnormally anxious about their health”, and I couldn’t describe it better myself. I’m hearing about this virus that’s collapsing people’s lungs like a fourth grader sucking the juice outta a Capri Sun pouch out here, and honestly, I don’t care if there’s snail urine in that thing, I am getting that shot one way or another.
So, anyway, I’m at El Wallgreens as the Spanish say, waiting in line to get my 2nd shot, observing all the new mystical types of beef jerky on the shelves, and they finally call my name, and I finally get my shot. I try to make conversation with the person by making the same 3 jokes they’ve probably heard 87 times in the last hour, and I was on my lil way.
Afterwards, I went to a lil family owned mom and pop shop known as Chick-Fil-A, even though I know the evil corporation is gonna get an extra $0.003 from the restaurant tax, I still couldn’t help myself.
But honestly, after the whole ordeal, I was feeling pretty good that I was one step closer to finally being able to go out to all the crazy high school parties I would always go to before this, because you know how much of a social person I am. But yeah, everything was perfectly fine just like after the first shot.
Until like 3am when I woke up feeling like someone just landed a plane on my bronchi. I mean like my whole upper body just felt like a wet sponge that somebody was slapping against a corner of a wall (that being the best way I could describe it). Honestly, it was like every time I’ve ever been sick with like a flu or anything, just all simultaneously came back to kick me in my cardiac notches.
So, I did the usual standard practice of writhing in pain while laying down trying to fall back asleep to no avail until about 1:30pm when I finally decided to go into the kitchen and make myself a massive pot of rice and beans while drinking 37 Tom Brady style glasses of water throughout the day.
Anyway, I was slowly chowing down on that bowl of rice and beans for about five hours straight, because honestly, lifting up the spoon was enough of a workout as is, and I just sorta felt like, the peak of when you’re about to throw up, but for the entire day. Just like the worst feeling you get the moment right before you’re about to throw up, but haven’t yet, and while usually that lasts about, I dunno, 8 seconds, but for me it lasted about a full day.
So, that was pretty great.
And with me being a hypochondriac, for a second I almost was like, “Aye wait, are those anti-vaxxers right? Am I now on Bill Gates’s tracking app so he can come into my house any time he wants and eat Trolli gummy worms on my couch while catching up on new episodes of ‘Brickleberry’”?
But after that long arduous day of eating from the same bowl of rice and beans, and drinking my elephant suitable water supply, I woke up next morning with a lil’ headache, and by the day after that I was perfectly fine again, but now having this shot in my immune system.
So, that was like what, a day and a half of feeling like this? Honestly, if I wouldn’t have had this vaccine, instead I’d eventually have that virus, and feel this way for about whatever many days right? So, if I just had to take one day of that versus like, a month or whatever for symptoms to subside, like honestly I’d be the first one in line to take every vaccine they grind outta the vaccine kitchen.
So yeah, if you take anything from this article it’s that PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING GET VACCINATED. DOCTORS KNOW MORE ABOUT MEDICINE THAN A GUY ON REDDIT WHO STILL THINKS TRUMP CAN WIN IF THEY RECOUNT ARIZONA FOR THE 73RD TIME. PLEASE JUST GET YOUR SHOTS AND LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHO WENT TO COLLEGE THANK YOU.