*Note: The following is a satirical take on the release of Switch 2 teaser.
Photo of Elon Musk by Debbie Rowe via Wikimedia Commons
WASHINGTON, D.C. – On Thursday, January 16, Nintendo posted a teaser for a new upcoming console, alongside the company’s international affiliates. Roughly 2 minutes in length, the video showcased the Nintendo Switch 2: a successor to the soon-to-be 8-year-old system of the same name.
Notable for both its physical and internal upgrades, many astute fans of the original Switch have noted its needed – albeit simple – updates to its older brother. While controversies have risen due to these occasionally-minor changes, many have agreed upon feeling relief and excitement about the console’s acknowledgement. A follow-up direct, focused on software is slated for April 2, 2025.
Around the same time, however, came the inauguration of now-president Donald J. Trump, seceding the former Joe Biden. Also mired in controversy, the election’s collision course has coincided with the console’s public reveal, leaving some to connect the 2 in various ways – most of all, the Presidents.
“I saw [the trailer] the Friday after – yeah, it was cool,” said Trump, immediately following a press conference in Atlanta. “I was like, ‘Vance, did you see this?’ And he was like ‘Yeah,’ and we fist-bumped. I dunno, man […] but I thought the new Joy-Cons were sick. Larger, too. I was talking to Joe ‘bout it a week later; he was tripping too. Did these (gestures) hand…things. Yeah. I was like, ‘Hunter would love this,’ and he laughed, and agreed. Hunter loves Mario; he’s so cool.”
Now-former President Biden was also open to an interview.
“Donnie and I had gotten off a meeting when the trailer dropped; some real good [explicative]. I was less enthused at first, really: I saw Donkey Kong’s new redesign during the ‘Mario Kart’ segment and was like ‘Damn, this too?’ Then Trump came over to my place and we played ‘8 Deluxe’ for a while…felt good. Felt better. Kamala was excited, too – did a backflip over her desk. Favorite reveals? Shoot, uh […] like, maybe the, tch, backwards compatibility? Y’know, being able to play my Switch library at launch is a treat. Gotta do a run of my favorite, uh, Switch game: ‘Balan Wonderworld’.” (Note: immediately following the latter-most statement, former President Biden was lobbed in the head with a snowball).”
While these 2 men proved satisfied with the new system’s reveal, other political figures – including some close with the country leaders – were less than optimistic about the trailer.
“It’s [explicative], pardner,” said Elon Musk, in the process of bathing himself with the blood of a sheep when we interviewed him. “Jus’ trash all-‘round. I’m happy for…you know, I’m happy fer those excited, but like, really? After 8 years o’ buildup, we git some gall-darn magnets for them controllers?! Y’all need some bett’r standerds. Rattlesnake tumbleweed cactus.”
With the division with Trump’s republican cabinet apparent, some citizens question whether or not a feud will brew from inside – and possibly spill out into the rest of the US. It’s been close to 200 years since our country’s first Civil War, and in our current day and age, political events and conspiracies have led to heated debate between sectors of the 50 states.
Whether or not the Nintendo Switch 2’s existence will culminate in a new Civil War is yet to be said, but until then we can only speculate, both on the system and our country’s political affairs. Only 1 thing’s certain, however: if this new console has any form of Joy-Con drift again, I think the nukes are gonna drop.
(This article was written a week prior to the events transpiring in the ‘Super Smash Bros. Ultimate’ article. Spoilers are also included).
Hey guys, welcome back to JOYSTiCK Reviews, and by golly-gosh, I sure do love being currently alive and free! It’s such a benign feeling; it’s as if I have… rights. Hope nothing changes within the next few days to possibly reverse my current elation.
Of course, the subsequent step to continue this high is to find a way to break apart reality so that way I don’t have to let my mortal form hold my soul hostage from true joy. Now, normally someone like me, Mr. Whatshisname, should go about this through, say (chuckles), the irreparable-breakdown of known physics or whatever, but unfortunately for still-human me, that’s not possible. So, I suppose I’ll have to compromise through virtual simulation. What am I talking about? Why, it’s the video game ‘Portal.’
‘Portal’ is a game released by Valve in 2007, commonly-cited as among the greatest video games made during the 2000’s. The premise consists of the player character being a testing subject for a fictional Portal Gun, allowing the use of teleportation through orange and blue portals (doy). Through this new tool, the object of the game is to complete 19 levels, each with their own puzzles and hazards to overcome.
In the game, portals work as follows: the player gets up to 2 at a time, an orange and a blue portal. They connect to each other, being shot out of the gun to a nearby wall. Then, the player can walk, jump, or fall through. Momentum is carried through if entered through vertical ascension or descension, allowing for further mobility.
In addition to the Portal Gun, you can also pick up and place certain objects, jump, and press buttons. These combined features open up a plethora of concepts that’ll often make you scratch your head at first, then eventually learn and adapt to. ‘Portal’ is one of those rare games who’s mechanics differ from what the human mind is adjusted to in real life; we don’t have teleportation, and the technology present in the game is entirely fictional as of now. This means that any new player will have to take time figuring out the game’s mechanics, which is quite beautiful.
‘Portal’s’ puzzles are great, and it’s clear the developers at Valve had plenty of ideas while making the game. 19 levels doesn’t sound like a lot (and it isn’t, more on this later), but each has intricacies that require full concentration and dedication to figure out the Portal system as a whole. Heck, mastering moving and portal momentum allows skipping some parts of levels entirely, a great way to reward those who put in the work.
I do think that the penultimate level, among another few, are pretty tedious to complete, but it’s always satisfying to reach the elevator at the end of each. The final level, however, is easily ‘Portal’s’ best. To explain, let’s dive into ‘Portal’s’ story; spoilers ahoy!
The game’s plot is simple: you’re a test subject named Chell who awakens deep inside Aperture Science Laboratory. You’ve been tasked to complete 19 puzzles in order to test out their new Portal Gun, with the promise of cake at the end.
As you complete levels, the omnipotent voice over the loudspeaker becomes more and more deranged, if still playful. You also experience various strange moments throughout your misadventures – a couple of stages feature broken, disheveled holes in the walls leading to behind-the-scenes lab equipment. Bloody writing from past test subjects also appears, stating, “THE CAKE IS A LIE.”
Finally, after finishing level 19 the voice attempts to kill off the player in a room of lava, but you escape and explore the rest of the lab’s interiors. Abandoned, you’re taunted by the voice until escaping, reaching a large room where GLaDOS lives: a self-aware AI who’s been the one over the loudspeaker since the beginning. Angered by your escape, you fight, dismantling her “personality spheres” by throwing them in a fiery vat and killing her.
The game ends with the player outside after an explosion, being dragged away by an unknown robot. Credits roll after the reveal that yes, there was cake indeed, and an ending song sung by GLaDOS plays: “Still Alive”.
‘Portal’s’ story is great, if a tad simple. Simple’s not a bad thing, however – plot beats are memorable and interesting, and the game has a sharp sense of humor; very dry and occasionally dark. GLaDOS has quickly become among my favorite fictional characters, let alone video game antagonists. I highly recommend listening to “Still Alive” on Spotify or whatever, because it’s a very experimental and interesting theme for the story’s villain. There aren’t many spoilers in it, except for the fact that the game’s antagonist survives (shocker, I know).
‘Portal’s’ story and gamplay are awesome, but if there’s 1 big drawback, it’s its length. At around 3 hours, the experience is very short, even with additional external content after the credits end. I’m glad there’s a sequel, but the first game’s short time leaves it difficult to enjoy replaying; with its few levels, knowing what to do for each is easy to remember.
Despite this, ‘Portal’ is a fantastic experience, and I completely get the hype for it. For being 18 years old, the package runs well and holds up, even graphically. Hiccups in some puzzles and its runtime lead me to a fitting score of 8/10, which I think is fair.
But that’s that: I’ve been rambling for a while, so I think a nice walk is in order for me! Recently I saw a gingerbread house out in the woods; a visit may be in order for me soon. Until next time my friends, thank you for reading.
Hello, hello, welcome back to JOYSTiCK Reviews, and today I have a special treat for you: a 2-parter episode! Upon closer inspection of the title, you’ll likely notice a sly “A” next to the episode count. That’s not a misspelling, but instead a notice for you to check out the companion article to this, instead with a “B” next to the 14, along with a new phrase.
Before diving into today’s topic (‘Super Smash Bros. Ultimate’) I should specify that this article will be about general gameplay and characters, while the “B” article will revolve around the game’s “World of Light” campaign, and related items of interest to it. There may be some overlap between the 2 articles, but for the most part they’re separate entities, conjoined at the hip. I do hope you read part 2, right after this 1st part, of course.
Anyways, with that context out of the way, you might be wondering why I’m currently standing in the middle of a field.
Image by Keith Evans via Wikimedia Commons
I don’t know, really; it’s a slow week, and seeing as comedy’s a dying art form, a common substitute for true humor is to put a character in a random place, then have both them and the writers flail their arms around in desperation (just ask SNL). Also, it just so happens that a witch in a gingerbread house beat me up, inflicted a magical curse on me, and then teleported my unconscious body thousands of miles from my house, which explains the odd choice of locale. And the antlers.
…
Boy, it’s hot out here.
…
Anyways, I’ve got nothing better to do than hitchhike home, so I might as well flap my gums a bit longer. Prior to my home invasion of a candy house and subsequent banishment from Minnesota, I was playing a lot of ‘Super Smash Bros. Ultimate,’ a fighting game exclusive for the Nintendo Switch. The 5th game (or 6th, depending on who you ask) in the series, its primary claim-to-fame is its character roster, containing over 80 different fighters to choose from. With every past character in the series returning, this is an extraordinary feat of game design, resulting in the title being a true celebration of video game history.
Meanwhile, I’ve been a little late to the party: I only picked up the game this year. So now, just over 3 years after the final DLC character dropped, I have to ask this: does the game hold up? Is ‘Super Smash Bros. Ultimate’ still the ultimate package, or have the sands of time eroded the marble column this bastion of human effort once rested upon? Like clockwork, let’s find out.
To begin, let’s review the basics: ‘Ultimate’ is a 2D fighting game where your main objective is to knock opponents off a stage using various attacks and button combos. When attacking a foe, instead of losing health, they take a certain percentage of damage. This percentage, located at the bottom of the screen, causes them to take higher knockback as they stomach more and more hits.
The title’s mostly designed around multiplayer, similar to most fighting games. You can play in local or online matches, and in multiple different formats. You could have, say, a 1-on-1 match, a 2-on-2 team match, or a battle royale-style match where a group of players duke it out without alliances.
This isn’t to say anything of the game’s other types of fun. Like I mentioned earlier, the “World of Light” campaign offers bosses, collectibles, and a storyline to follow. There’s also Classic Mode, where each character in the game has their own individual campaign where they fight some pre-selected AI fighters, play through a bonus obstacle course-like mode, and fight 1 of the game’s bosses at the end. Then, there’s the ability to relisten to music, create your own custom stages, practice fighting against CPU’s…there’s a lot!
Before going into any of the extra junk, I believe it’s best to give my impressions of fighting, the main crux of gameplay as a whole: it’s wonderful. I’ve dabbled in fighting games in the past, but ‘Ultimate,’ as well as the rest of the ‘Super Smash Bros.’ series, excel in tight matches and smooth controls that help aid the flow of combat with other players.
There’s a lot of different control types, so I’ll list them here. These might not be all of them, but I’ve tried to culminate as many as I can remember into a handy-dandy chart to reference when reading this article:
Movement– Left Joystick (Up, Down, Forward). Sprinting, running, and walking options available. Tilt up to jump, and down to pass through a thin-enough platform.
Standard Attacks– A Button (Neutral, Forward, Up, Down).
Standard Air Attacks– A Button when midair (Neutral, Forward, Up, Down, Back).
Dash Attacks– A Button while sprinting forward.
Get-Up and Ledge Attacks– A Button while getting up from being knocked down or hanging off a ledge, respectively.
Special Attacks– B Button (Neutral, Forward, Up Down).
Special Air Attacks– B Button when midair (Neutral, Forward, Up Down). These attacks are often identical to their grounded variants.
Grabs and Throws– L or R Button to grab, A to jab, and the right Joystick to throw (Up, Down, Forward, Behind).
Jumping– X or Y button, or Left Joystick Up to jump, with most characters getting 2 max (some more). Also, most characters’ Up Special functions as a third ascension option.
Shielding– L, R, ZL, or ZL to shield, with the former 2 options activating after the grab animation plays. The shield functions as a way to block damage, but is depleted and shrunken per hit. Does not protect against grabs.
Dashing– While shielding, tilt the left stick.
“Smash” Attacks– Right Joystick (Up, Down, Forward). Can be held for a short amount of time.
Taunts– D-Pad. Pressing the up, left and right, or down buttons features 3 different taunts for each fighter. Rarely, taunts can damage opponents.
Short Hop Attack– Quick Press of X or Y for a shorter jump than normal. Combine with A Button for Short Hop Attack.
Final Smash– Once a gauge near your percentage icon is fully-charged, press B without tilting the stick to prepare a powerful, all-out attack that often K.O.’s the opposing player. The caveat, however, is that most smashes for each character rely on timing and physically connecting with the foe.
Hopefully, that gets you acquainted with what we’re dealing with here. Virtually every fight you have, computer or real player, will be unique each and every time. The vast amount of moves, while maybe not anything radical compared to other fighting games like ‘Tekken’ or ‘Street Fighter,’ is certainly ripe with creativity to be found from its user base.
It’s hard to critique this system, really: the games have abided by these controls for decades, so if it works, then what’s to complain about? If there was anything really heinous about it, then it probably would’ve been addressed by now, in my opinion. So yeah: fighting’s great, matches are awesome. I’ll be talking more about stuff like items, assist trophies, and spirits during part 2, so you’ll have to wait for my stances on those later.
I will say that I think that a more viable, more easily-accessible tutorial for your full moveset in game would be great. If you head to ‘Ultimate’s’ official website, clicking on the “How to Smash” prompt takes you to a page that basically sums up fighting as “hit the opponent off the stage to win!” Unless your age is in the triple digits, I think that telling someone this is practically-pointless. Like, imagine if you go to college for, say, astrology, and your first class there just has the professor say “um, just look, like, UP , ya loons!” In-game, there is a video that shows basic controls, but is only accessible by going to…the cutscenes menu?
This is a weird fluke in the title’s accessibility measures that makes me question things, but really, it’s a small nitpick. But with that aside, I think my verdict for the titular fighting in this fighting game is clear: it rocks. Good controls, good learning curve for both new players and old, and an impressive assortment of fighters to choose from makes fighting others always engaging. And speaking of fighters…
I think that talking about combat leads us to ‘Super Smash Bros. Ultimate’s’ infantry of potential paladins, and what a roster it is! 82 characters, each* with unique movesets for millions of players to pick their poison with. This is a ludicrous total, and requires some delving into in order to examine the roster’s highs and lows for me.
First, the * next to “each” is no typo: “Echo” Fighters, a concept prevalent throughout the series but only formally-named in ‘Ultimate,’ are characters who’s moves (and sometimes animations) are near-identical to another fighter’s. Their main differences come down to occasional move variations, a new coat of paint through a different model, and an alternative play style to their original root character, providing players a change of pace to their possible mains. I like these guys; obviously, seeing the little E next to an Echo Fighter’s name makes their existence just a little less interesting compared to new, original combatants, but just the fact that people have alternatives to some characters helps the game’s meta remain interesting.
For example, Ryu, a fighter from the ‘Street Fighter’ franchise, has an Echo Fighter in Ken, hailing from the same games. Their playstyles, while similar, are varied enough to give 2 players different potential identities in how they use each, and execute attacks. Echo Fighters, while not the most “exciting” or “insane” parts of the games, have their place in ‘Ultimate’ as different choices for people who like playing their non-Echo counterparts, making gameplay and matches more interesting.
Moving away from Echo Fighters, the majority of the roster is composed of video game characters whose movesets are completely original to themselves, often referencing aspects of their series. There’s far too many to go over individually, but I will mention some of my favorites, or “mains,” as most players say.
There are several types of fighters when it comes to how they fight. Grapplers are characters who specialize in grabs, throws, and even carrying opponents around. Heavyweights are unsurprisingly heavy in the air and fairly bulky, while their opposites, Lightweights, excel in movement and fast aerial attacks. Zoners specialize in projectiles and fighting players from a distance, All-Rounders are universally good and balanced at everything, and Trappers focus on defense and luring players into – you guessed it – traps. These are only a handful of possible archetypes you can choose to spec into, but I think they cover a wide range of different players’ styles.
Personally, I lean more towards Zoners and Trappers; I like characters who use non-physical moves (of which are usually reserved to the Special Attacks) and unique button combinations to pressure others. My mains are Steve (my primary main) from ‘Minecraft,’ Piranha Plant, Ridley, and occasionally Greninja, though I can imagine myself eventually learning to play with Joker, Sora, Pokemon Trainer, and Kazuya. This is just an example of someone’s preferred playstyle, and goes to show that, with over 80 different options to choose from, the vast collection of characters present makes ‘Ultimate’ a spawning ground for creativity in its user base.
. . .
Image by Tim Harrison via Wikimedia Commons
I’ve been walking for a while now, and have come across a lovely field of flowers! It’s quite lovely, and makes you wonder how such a perfect little spot of sunshine can exist only a few miles from the barren wasteland I once skulked in.
My journey’s only just begun, though – it’ll be a while before I’m anywhere close to St. Paul again. After that nice break in the field, let’s continue walking, and this review as well.
After talking about characters and gameplay, let’s rapid-fire through some non-combat related parts of ‘Ultimate, accessible through the main menu!
Clicking on the “Games & More” icon on the Home Screen brings you to a few different game modes to fiddle with. The most prominent is “Classic Mode,” an alternative to the game’s main campaign that harkens back to the series’ initial entries, and how they tackled a story-based option for players.
Classic Mode is a mode that allows each character a small selection of curated CPU matches that players are able to complete for rewards. Each fighter gets their own route and customized CPUs, of which often reflect parts of the games they come from. For example, Donkey Kong’s route has players fight alongside a computer-controlled Diddy Kong teammate, referencing ‘Donkey Kong Country’ and its sequels. Each route has 7 fights and a special bonus stage: 6 normal matches with CPU fighters, a fight at the end with 1 of the game’s bosses from its campaign, and just before the final stage, the bonus stage, where players run through an obstacle course, collecting points as they try to reach the end while escaping a growing black hole behind them.
To be short, I love Classic Mode, maybe even more than the main campaign! Treating routes as individual miniature story modes gives further incentive to play as different characters other than your select few mains, and the variety of unique fights in each is just the icing on the cake. The references are fun, the bosses are a blast, and it’s a great time overall. While I’d still recommend completing “World of Light” before tackling Classic Mode, it’s a wild ride that’ll keep you enthralled for hours.
The other game modes in “Games and More” are less grand, but still fun. Century Smash and its variants have you fight against 100 AI opponents, increasing in the CPUs’ intelligence and difficulty as you progress. It’s fine, but honestly more annoying than interesting.
Home Run Contest also isn’t very fun, in my humble opinion. You get 10 seconds to beat up a Sandbag (a unique character to the ‘Super Smash Bros.’ franchise), racking up damage before Side-Smashing it into the horizon. Depending on how far it goes, you get a score and potential rewards along the way. It’s more fun than Century Smash, but still not super engaging for me.
The Mii Fighter creator is much more fun, though. Mii’s are little Nintendo people that were introduced with the Wii console years ago, taking part in a character creator for it and subsequent systems. In ‘Ultimate,’ not only are you given a portal to create more Mii’s, you can also give them customizable movesets and costumes to play as in-game. It’s really fun to make your own and see others’ Mii’s. On my Switch, I’m literally able to have Hillary Clinton fight Charlie Brown; it’s great. I haven’t tried out Stage Builder, but it looks fun. You’re seemingly able to make your own stages to fight on, which looks cool.
Finally, Training allows you to simply test out any characters, items, and stages you want, letting you practice combos and whatnot. It’s super useful to have, and is a great feature for both newcomers and veterans to the series.
In the end, Games & More is a super fun hub for players who might not want to fight online with actual players. There’s a good selection of fun side activities, and topped-off with the main course of Classic Mode, I recommend checking it out once you’ve gotten used to the game’s controls.
…
Image by “angys” via Wikimedia Commons
O-oh, my gosh! Finally, this iPad’s working again. Um, yeah, if y-you haven’t deciphered already by my, uh, unfortunate location inside of a moving vehicle, I’ve been kidnapped.
Yeah, I was walking along the side of the road, when this white van pulled up and offered me candy. Me, a sensible, venerable fellow, obviously said no, but it turns out that refusing to follow a stranger’s orders is considered null and void in the face of a lead pipe to the skull.
So, now with a swelling welt, broken left antler, and lowered morale, I guess I’ll just have to wait and see where, or who, I’m being taken to. I’ve been Mr. Whatshisname, and this review – and story – isn’t over yet.
Will Mr. Whatshisname escape his captors and return home? Will ‘Super SmashBros. Ultimate’s’ main campaign be fully discussed? And who exactly is this mysteriousvigil that requests our annoying narrator’s presence? All of these questions and more willbe answered in the next episode of JOYSTiCK Reviews, coming to you soon!
Hey everyone, welcome to JOYSTiCK Reviews, the only gaming serial to specify that the “i” in our logo IS meant to be in undercase. Now, normally I like to write my articles in a calm, relaxed location, like a farm, or a lakeside resort. But today, in celebration of my subject matter, I’m currently writing these words whilst sitting in my newest point of interest: a casino!
Call me Mr. Pachinko Machine (and soon to be homeless), ‘cause I and others are hitting big here. I mean, you’ve got the man over at the baccarat station, a group of old ladies playing poker, a guy on the floor who’s probably more booze than human at this point…all the makings of a playground of wonder, magic, and cholesterol-induced heart attacks.
However, you may have connected the dots so far, and are currently expecting me to say that today’s subject endorses these barbaric practices. Well, I can’t say my verdict yet, as today we’re going to find out the answer to this controversial question: “Is ‘Pokemon TCG Pocket’ a form of gambling?”
Well, let’s find out! Readers, make sure to lock your wallet with an iron chain and throw away the key, because today we’re examining the game ‘Pokemon TCG Pocket.’
Prior to its release, the app was compared to the relatively-recent fad of NFT’s (non-fungible tokens). These were digital pieces of art that could be bought, and basically became exclusive to that person. They could fluctuate in price, and had the lovely distinction from other forms of art of being real dumb.
The fad died down after a year or 2, thankfully – prices plummeted, and most people stepped away from the practice after realizing this. The fact is that paying for digital pictures of monkeys in hats when you could just take a screenshot of one for free is a bad idea. But in its wake comes this app, which has caused many to wonder whether or not the Pokemon franchise has finally tossed its hat into the NFT ring.
If you’re still confused as to what the game’s contents are, they’re trading cards. The Pokemon Trading Card Game’s been kicking since the 1990’s, equal to the video games in terms of popularity. They’re a global phenomenon, so much so that even your’s truly has collected them.
This year I began collecting the physical cards again; I don’t play the card game itself (though I might try to after playing today’s subject), but I just really like the art on the cards. It’s a hobby that I carefully regulate: I prefer buying randomized booster packs, so it’s important to not dish out ludicrous amounts of dough for a chance at some pricey cards. I’ve seen people get addicted to buying packs, and I don’t want to go down that path.
That leads us to ‘Pocket’ once again. Some already accuse the physical card game of promoting child-friendly gambling, so when you take the medium to a digital front, it’s not a very good look. But today I’m on the defensive, here to explain that things aren’t always black and white.
Let’s take a look at ‘Pocket.’ The game – or software, as I’ll use alongside synonyms interchangeably – is a 2024 title released to mobile devices this October. It centers around opening packs of Pokemon cards, collecting them, and using them to build decks. These decks can be used in a simplified version of the physical card game, only now able to be played against both online players and computers.
Along with these fundamentals, you can also finish missions by completing specific parts of the prior activities listed, gaining rewards from doing so. Finally, you can use the Wonder Pick feature to see what other people around the world have pulled from packs. Using one of the game’s “currency” systems, you can spend a few points to be able to randomly select a copy of 1 of the person’s 5 pulled cards. This means that both of you get a card; you don’t steal cards from other people.
To start, I think that the act of opening booster packs is…fine? Every 12 hours you get a free pack, meaning that you get 2 per day. When you select the expansion you want to pull cards from (for now there’s only 1), you select 1 of 3 types of packs, each with different cards.
Finally, you get a circle of packs, in which you choose 1 to open, receiving 5 cards. This system works fine, I suppose. I think that having 3 different types of booster packs in each set is weird, though – in the physical card expansion, each has multiple different packs with different art on the front, similar to the digital ones here. The difference is that each booster, despite the different cover art, has a random assortment of the same pool of cards, which is much larger than the 3 mini-pools in ‘Pocket. ’ It’s a strange choice, and I can’t say I’m a fan; it just makes collecting cards take much longer, since you’re more likely to get repeats. There is overlap with more common cards between the 3 types of packs in the expansion, but the rarer cards are exclusives.
I’ve heard conflicting reports on whether or not the packs generate the cards inside before you open it or after. I’d prefer if they were generated upon opening the booster, but since the game’s so new, I’ll need more time to look into this. If they generate before opening packs, then I guess having the circle of packs you get to choose from makes more sense, but I like that less.
Still, I wouldn’t say any of this equates to gambling necessarily – you can’t directly pay for packs, and the cards you get aren’t exclusive to you; theoretically, there’s an infinite amount of cards a person can pull. They’re not the same as normal memorabilia, where eventually an artificial item of any kind stops being produced. Until the inevitable wheel of time ends, or – more unlikely – ‘Pocket’ and Pokemon as a whole stops being profitable, digital cards will be procured forever.
Going back to the first point for a second, you can’t spend money on the packs. The closest you can do is buy a membership that allows you a 3rd pack every 24 hours. I don’t have it, but I still hold my tongue on calling it immoral. Really, breaking down the software’s transactional components reveals its relative innocence. If people are to accuse ‘Pocket’ of enforcing betting, then they might as well do the same for the physical card game, which, seeing as it’s been around since the late 90’s, is likely a dead argument. The only difference between the digital and physical card games is in the mediums.
In short, the game endorsing gambling is, in my opinion, not true, and never really has been for the card game. In order to be defined as such, the packs would’ve needed to not reward players with anything; basically just taking their money in exchange for a chance at a prize. Instead, we get cards, and on top of that can use them to play a game. And rounding it all off, you can’t buy packs with money and get them for free, with an added option to buy the ability for more free packs.
Collecting the cards is fun, though – it’s part of the reason I have issues with getting them in the first place. A fair amount of card art was recycled from older, physical sets for the digital game’s first expansion, but both the old and new art for cards looks wonderful. In particular, I quite like the Lapras Illustration Rare card, since it’s my favorite generation 1 Pokemon.
This veers into complaining about the booster opening again, but I do think that 5 cards for each pack is much too small. Completing each expansion and trying to pull cards in order to create a deck is hard when the chance for duplicates is high. For some reason, I’m drawn to there being 7 in each pack: the extra 2 would go a long way in helping obtain deck material-monsters. But overall, collecting is a part of the game that I enjoy a ton. It’s fun seeing my count go up, scrolling down my grid, and hyping myself up to try and pull a rare card. Those rare cards often have effects in battle that make them stronger than other comparable cards, so they’re not just pretty, but very useful in ‘Pocket’s’ PVP (player vs. player) meta!
Speaking of which, I said earlier that I don’t know how to play the physical card game, but surprisingly-enough, I think my favorite part of the game is battling others! The simplified mechanics work well for a mobile experience, and it’s clear that the developers intended matches to be quick and exciting, something that you could play in between classes, for example.
I’m not going to go over the rules due to the time, but in short, it’s a lot of fun. If you get the mobile game, you unlock the ability to battle others when your account reaches level 3, so by opening a few packs and completing the built-in tutorial for the match system, you’ll be able to quickly get into battling. I’ve never played them, but I can imagine ‘Pocket’s’ battling system being reminiscent of a slimmed-down version of ‘Hearthstone, ’ or the now-deceased ‘Artifact.’
But again, since it takes so long to obtain a substantial amount of cards to build a solid deck with, it can take a while to get into online matches. Sure, you get some starter decks, but you don’t actually get the cards from them, just a limited amount of times you can rent them.
Despite that hiccup, battles are enjoyable, along with the rest of the game. ‘Pokémon TCG Pocket’ is a software that, even with flaws, is a fun way for someone to collect and play the card game without necessarily having to spend money. With its simpler battle system that creates quicker matches, the game is a great way for people, whether they’re veterans or newbies to the franchise, to connect with and have fun with friends and family. ‘Pokémon TCG Pocket’ is out now for Android and iOS devices, and is free to play – unlike these here casino games. In the time you’ve been reading, I’ve been kicked out. Turns out that puppeteering and hacking a digital poker game into always folding each turn warrants defenestration. It’s not my fault I couldn’t see the big red sign at the building’s entrance reading ‘DO NOT CHEAT:’ I’m colorblind!
But you know, maybe all of this talk about gambling and “rigging the system” is futile. As I sit here, wet and glass-covered while a troupe of rats gnaw on my left big toe, I think that maybe getting into hysterics about the humanity of casinos is pointless. Maybe instead of arguing for or against this fallacy of the human experience, we can enjoy life for what it is, ignore it, and live on stronger without the temptations of greed. And maybe we can enjoy battling with and collecting cards in ‘Pocket’ without delving into frantic eulogies about NFT’s and the safety of the children. I give ‘Pokemon TCG Pocket’ a 7/10, and look forward to continuing enjoying it – now without the burden of guilt, and instead the hedonism of connection with others.
I’ve been Mr. Whatshisname, thank you for reading today’s JOYSTiCK review, and since my bank account’s digits have receded into the negatives, for dinner tonight I’ve got a pair of rats who’ve got a skillet and oven with their names on it. Take care, and I’ll see you next time.
Hello everyone, welcome to JOYSTiCK Reviews, the world’s best source of video game reviews if your gaming console of choice is a turnip. That, or the societal equivalent that is the Xbox Series X.
The PS5 (PlayStation 5) Pro console has recently been unveiled, a successor to the PS5 that’s had rumblings about it for the past week. Those rumblings have, in fact, come from the elephant in the room: its pricing.
Yes, for the cheapskate’s price of $699.99 (£699.99), all of you at home can experience the definitive way to play ‘Madden NFL 25.’ Jokes aside, pretty much everyone seems to be upset with Sony for this decision, because $700 is indeed a metric-ton of money to be dishing out for the product, especially for a “pro” console who’s improvements are minimal compared to its sister device. Granted, that’s nothing to say of the YouTube tech channels who’ll be up in arms over the price to specs ratio, yet buy, like, 10 of these to “prove a point.”
Because I too enjoy eating maggot-ridden roadkill, then complaining about the lack of a built-in disc drive, today I’m not here to talk about the PS5 Pro’s lack of substantial improvements. Don’t be silly! No, today I’m here to ask one simple question, one that might rethink your standards of Sony as a whole:
“IS THE PS5 PRO AN ALLEGORY FOR ECONOMICAL COLLAPSE?”
Yes, you heard it here first, folks; Sony’s officially transitioned from hardware manufacturing to provoking currency-based philosophical debate (I always knew they had it in them!). But a multi-billion dollar company’s foray into the world of consumer dogma aside, I think this question in particular requires a bit of critical thinking.
In the anticipation towards a new console’s unveiling, the main thing people look out for is something briefly mentioned earlier: the ratio of improvements/new features to its pricing. The perfect balance of these 2 extremes. – the “Magic Ratio” – is very rare in consoles, but not unheard of.
The problem with the PS5 Pro isn’t with either its pricing or lack of innovation over the original PS5, but how the pair complement each other. The console is being shown off with… improvements, sure, but ones that don’t suffice for such a high cost.
Sure, a pro console may not, and probably shouldn’t be, very different from the original system, but for people who either do or don’t currently have a regular PS5, this new system won’t appeal to both groups. People who don’t have a PS5 will be turned off by the more expensive version, and seeing the lack of big upgrades will either skip the generation of devices all together or buy the current PS5, and people who do don’t want to buy a more expensive version of the console they already have will ignore it, noticing that it has barely any visible changes.
Overall, I see the new console as something of a stain on the PS5’s legacy, something that’ll make this generation less revered than others before. I’d go out of my way to say that the PS5 hasn’t been the most loved PlayStation device, but with the advent of its “superior” sibling, its critical future may be in further jeopardy (I’ll talk more about this latter point in a moment).
All of that was a long-winded way of explaining that, yes, the PlayStation 5 is an allegory for economical Armageddon. Kenichiro Yoshida, head CEO of Sony, must’ve been going to bed one night with his ‘Astro Bot’ jammies, ‘Ratchet and Clank’ action figures, and suspiciously-turnip-shaped Nintendo Switch, and thought, ‘our player base needs to be taught a lesson in consumer culture!’
To explain the “allegory” side of things, economical collapse can basically be defined as an abrupt and radical end of our current society’s method of exchanging currency. This in mind, I humbly see the original PS5 as a stand-in for the economy at hand; this untouchable, unmovable system (for the console, literally; for our economy, metaphorically) that was upended by the arrival of the PS5 Pro, who we’ll categorize as an imaginary, hypothetical new company whose stocks bring down the value of the US dollar to a point of no return. With the arrival of the new company means the tarnishing of the economy, and a collapse to consumerism.
This reflects on how the PS5 Pro has now given consumers a negative outlook on Sony’s newest generation of hardware, not helped by some poor releases as of recent, like ‘Concord’ and ‘Foam Stars.’
However, I don’t think that’s… all that the PS5 is supposed to say.
When Sony was summoning the PS5 Pro down in the caves of the underworld through means of dark magic, they must’ve intentionally priced it at such a high cost in order to sway potential buyers away from purchasing it, and thus spend more time with their friends, family, and community. The PS5 Pro is an allegory for economical collapse… but a lesson in how no video game can compare to the power of love.
So, in conclusion, yes, Sony’s newest console is a look into the potential downfall of our economy, but moreover, a look into the idea of love and kinship being a universal belief. Love, the binary code embedded into our veins, may be the same code written in the PS5 Pro, a new beacon for human connection. The PS5 Pro – or lack thereof – will be the product to immortalize humanity’s greatest treasure.
‘Wow,’ I thought to myself after writing that last paragraph, ‘never before in my life have I wanted to… kiss a company more than ever.’
And after reading this article, I think the feeling is mutual, friend! At the end of the day, the PS5 Pro sucks, and you know what? Maybe that’s okay. Maybe, instead of wailing about “improved graphical fidelity” and other nerd stuff like that, we can all go fishing, or something. But in the meantime, I hope you’ve enjoyed this glance into my psyche, have a great day, and keep eating your turnips.
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