By: Daniel Kendle

Hey guys, it’s me: Jake Paul — except not really. Actually, my name is Daniel, and I’m a senior here at, uh…(types on keyboard) Highland Park Senior High. Something like that, anyway.

As among this school’s most knowledgeable, attractive, and overall indispensable members, I thought it sensible to, in my twilight months here, shed some wisdom off onto you fledgling students. Like a mother bird to their wailing young, I shall regurgitate the writhing, worm-like information I’ve amassed over the last few years into your pitch-black maws, allowing your remaining years here to be as gentle and relaxed as mine were.

Thus, I sent out a poll on Instagram to all of my followers, asking for any burning questions they may have about either moi or other, less interesting junk. I’ve sampled 5 questions I received there, so without further ado, let’s crack these suckers open!

. . .

Dear Daniel,

“What’s 9 + 10?”

• Angie V.

First-off, thank you for responding to the poll, Angie, as this is a great question. To solve this problem, simply adding the numbers 9 and 10 together — combining them, essentially — will result in the answer of 19. I hope that helps you with your homework endeavors.

Dear Daniel,

“How do you stay so sharp?”

• Miranda S.

Well, I-! (Chuckles) I wasn’t expecting this at 10 in the morning! My kindest regards to you, Miranda, for such a delightful question. Now, as for staying so sharp, tch…I use a whetstone pretty often, actually.

Dear Daniel,

“What would happen if the sun grew at 1 inch per second?”

• Chicory S.

Ah, a science-related question! Glad to see one make the list; I’ve always been interested in ‘Hamlet,’ ‘The Odyssey’ and the like. Put simply, Chicory, I think a lot of people would die, of course. Animals too, even. Heck — let’s just throw plants into there as well! I also think the sun would look a lot bigger from Earth, too, so that’s pretty cool. This wraps up the extent of this scenario’s consequences, I believe.

Dear Daniel,

“Are cozy video games really that bad?”

• Munira A.

That’s an interesting question, Munira. I’m relatively-famous for my supposed disdain for “cozy games” — even briefly starting a cult around this notion — but to be honest, they’re…fine. I do actually hate the cozy game aesthetic you see so many YouTubers decorate their rooms to mimic, but as for the games themselves, I don’t mind them all that much. I don’t play them often, though I do plan on checking out some of the more popular titles someday, like ‘Stardew Valley.’

I guess I just enjoy games that offer difficulty and challenge from harsher means than growing crops. Y’know, there’s a difference between stressing over optimal soy bean harvesting and stressing over killing a blood demon, or whatever. One scenario isn’t “better” than the other, per say, but I simply enjoy the latter much more.

And now, finally… 

Dear Daniel, 

“What’s the best way to cook boxed mac n’ cheese?”

• Chicory S.

Well, pushing aside the fact that mac n’ cheese is disgusting regardless of how it’s cooked, I believe a cardboard box over an open flame is the ideal method of cooking it. (Chuckles) I mean, there’s a reason “box” is in the name, after all.

Anyways, those were just a mere sampling of questions received from this little social experiment. Thanks for reading, and hey — if any of you guys know a doctor, can you ask about how to safely remove cardboard from a human stomach? Thanks in advance; I’ve been meaning to go for the past week, but anytime I stand up, blood starts leaking from my ears. Cheers!