By: Daniel Kendle

(This article is a work of “exotic” satire, and the author has no disrespect towards chess, or to those who play it).

Hey guys, it’s me, anthropologist and taxidermist Chonga Dingle. In today’s article I’ll be going over a step-by-step guide on how to win every game of chess ever, and also how to be really cool while doing it. It seems that a lot of people forget that chess is extremely difficult, and because of such a truth I thought I must enlighten you on what to do correctly.

Anyways, in this video you must understand that I am a very fancy chess player, and as such I’ll be using terminology that all of you peons will be likely confused with as this film goes on. Unfortunately, I am also a very cruel chess player, and because of that I won’t be able to slow down for the misguided in our community. However, I’ll embolden any cryptic words that some may not know about. Hopefully this makes it so you can look up any weird phrases throughout this podcast (‘accessibility is key,’ and all that).

Okay, so the first thing new players need to know is that the best way to win is to have very dexterous hands. Dexterity is important in handling chess pieces, for the important reason of “because I said so.” But to have hands like mine, – the most flexible in the land – you’ll need the special “Finger Water” to slather over your hands. This requires you to walk 10,000 paces sideways up the Binga-Winga mountain, then talk to the Man, who’ll give you the Finger Water after doing a dance for him.

To learn this dance, you’ll need to go back home and walk 10,000 paces backwards to the Basilisk’s nest, where you need to rub the egg with your hand 58 times in a counterclockwise motion, where after the Basilisk chick will come out and give you a jetpack and the $19 ‘Fortnite’ card. After shaking hands, leave the nest and walk 6 miles west and give the jetpack to the Jumping Lady, who will teach you the dance in return.

Once you’ve learned the dance, wait a day before going back to the Binga-Winga mountain and perform it in front of the Man. He will shout his usual mating call, of which cannot be written on paper due to eldritch curses in the 16th century. Then he’ll hop down the Hole of Jobs and bring back an iPhone. This phone will now lead you to the Finger Water. Find the location of the water, dig up the hidden basin, and throw the phone inside it. This will make the water transform into the Finger Water, and you will be able to dip your hands in and achieve prime flexibility.

Okay, that was part 1, the infant’s ballad. Now I, Chonga Dingle, will teach you how to win every game of chess that you’ll ever play.

When you start a match, make sure you’ve applied the Finger Water before someone is gripping the first piece. If you forget and slather yourself in it after the game begins, you instantly explode and die (I’ve learned this from past experience). If desired, recite the ‘Allaying Chant of Chess’ after applying the water for a 15% boost in EXP during the match. Unlike the Man’s mating call, I can type it down in a written document, so here it is:

“The Allaying Chant of Chess” (Proximus Sol Version; abbreviated. Written by anonymous, published by Hobart J. Chess in 1192)

‘Humans of this beguiling night, see my worth
In this manic type of plight, through demons of mirth!
O, to be a acolyte to the Bringer, see me, yes
But I wish to be nothing more than a Pawn on your board, your board.’

(Hoo-ha AKAB. Hoo-ha AKAB).

‘Humans of the watching void, see my eyes
Sense the world destroyed, and see immortal laerds rise! Make me a tool in your wretched time of blood (blood), For I am but a Knight in the astral board of sight.’

(Hoo-ha AKAB. Hoo-ha AKAB).

‘Humans of the endless world, see me in your dreams,
Creatures of the curled, vigils of the seams.
But I am such a neophyte, an finite source of work
For the Rooks and Bishops of a different plane are those who judge Earth.’

(Hoo-ha AKAB. Hoo-ha AKAB).

‘To round off this cry for help, wailing to the stars,
I speed towards Venus, then to Mercury and Mars.
On the end of this planet are those who give me life (life), The King and Queen of misery, shapers of strife.’

(Hoo-ha AKAB. Hoo-ha AKAB. Hoo-ha AKAB. Hoo-ha AKAB).

Once you’ve done that, you’ll get a green rhombohedron above your head. This indicates the EXP boost. If you win, the percentage will double.

Now, playing chess is actually pretty simple, really. Simply cash in the $19 ‘Fortnite’ card you got from the Basilisk chick and you’ll instantly receive a catalog of different chess maneuvers, costing around a dollar each. These strategies were specifically chosen and designed by those of the Chess Chapel, and finalized by the Champion of Chess. Once you pick a move you want to play, a dollar will be depleted from your account and a specific piece will be moved.

However, you’ll eventually either run out of money or want to move pieces without depleting your ‘Chess Change,’ so that’s when we transition into traditional chess-playing. Now, everyone knows how to play chess, but this article is specifically on winning chess, so because of this loophole I get less work. If you’d like a brief overview of chess, however, then it’s basically players taking turns moving pieces along an 8×8 checkerboard.

This switching of playing traditional chess and “Microtransaction Chess” is how most games will play out in the current chess metagame. The key to winning is to balance spending and saving, and only purchasing stronger, paid moves with the $19 ‘Fortnite’ card when a safe strategy presents itself. However, now it’s time for Chonga Dingle’s patented “Chess Chatter,” where I go over some important tips and fun facts.

• In 1832, Bosk Omat Chess taught the very first animal to play chess. You may think that he’d would’ve taught a dog, cat, or mouse, but instead explained the game to his pet anteater, Ringo. If you recite this factoid during a game of chess, you receive an additional 5% EXP boost.

• If both players run out of money on their gift card during the same round of a game, the pair must sing the Allaying Chant of Chess again, because the rare round in which this can happen will often be considered bad luck by chess aficionados.

• Chess pieces are made from Chessnuts. They’re harvested and further-manufactured in Chessapeake Bay.

• Chesster Chess was seen as the world’s best chess player during the mid-2000’s thanks to his unique and intricate tactics during matches. His “main” was the Rook (a zoner option), and implemented the “Chesster Bester” technique, where through the button combinations “Up-Up-Left-L1-L2-Down,” he could infinitely lock other players into a state of perpetual stun-locking during a game of chess, eventually culminating in a K.O. This input chain could be performed seconds into the match, making him one of the deadliest players in ‘Mortal Pawnbat: Khessmageddon’ in 2006.

• If you move your Queen piece during 7 consecutive turns without losing any other pieces on your side, you’ll unlock a unique move called the “Lucky-7 Finisher.” This move has a pawn in the right corner of the player who uses it, and the piece then moves up-right 8, then left 8, making a vaguely-shaped 7. Any pieces in the way of the 7 are given to the player who enacts the move.

• The Chess Council has received numerous requests for nerfs for the finisher, but even through balance patches the move still hasn’t been gutted. The finisher was added in the 1.9 update back in 1901, leading to a lot of people sticking to rules and formatting from the 1.8 update released in 1772.

• In ‘Super Smash Bros. for the Nintendo 3DChess and PiiU,’ several fun playable characters were added. Some were 1st party characters, like Little Rook and Pawnutena, as well as 3rd party, external characters from non-chess games, like Checkers Man, Bayochaturanga, and also Pac-Man. The game’s successor, going by the subtitle ‘Pawntimate’ included King K. Rook, Bishopleth, and Kazuya from ‘Settlers of TeCatan.’

• The following are new pieces under consideration to be added in the 1.11 update for chess:

○ Squire: like the Knight, the squire moves in a vaguely 7-shaped pattern. However, instead of moving 2 tiles forward, it moves 1 tile forward and then 1 to the left or right.

○ Wolf: the Wolf hunts the Knight, since the latter takes on the appearance of a horse. During a game of chess, the Wolf can only be moved to a tile immediately in a Knight’s vicinity.

○ Tank: Tanks can only move along the edges of the board, but can move as many places as they want within this limitation.

○ Ghost: Ghost pieces can revive 1 chess piece during a game, but have to be discarded right after being used.

○ Flamingo: similar to their real-life counterpart, if at least 2 of a player’s flamingos are placed next to each other, they become immortal and can’t be claimed.

○ Bouncy Ball: when first used in a game, these pieces can move 10 spaces forward. The next turn they can be moved 9, then 8, then 7, and so on until reaching 0, where they must be discarded.

○ Remote Control: players can only use a Remote Control piece once per game. When used, it lets Player A move one of Player B’s pieces.

○ Thimble: if a player moves the Thimble around all 4 sides of the board during a game, they get $200 (now with optional race-car, dog, and top hat cosmetic skins).

○ Alien: Alien pieces introduce the new “Colonization” mechanic to chess, where a player can claim the opposing player’s Rook and transform it into a fortress, which acts as a shield for the King. A player must attack the castle 5 times to break into it, and then can finally reach the King.

○ Electric Eel: this piece “stuns” any opponent’s piece it’s next to for 4 turns, making that piece incapable of moving.

○ Submarine: Submarines aren’t able to be attacked by Pawns, but if a sub on 1 player’s side is eliminated, the other sub they get is too.

Well, it seems that we’ve reached the end of this show. After teaching you all of my chess tricks and tips, you may be wondering about my credibility as a source. Well, I, Chonga Dingle, have been seen as a primary chess master and teacher since the game’s inception 50-ish years ago. Thousands have been taught under my wing, and I’ve been heralded as a leading face of chess for decades. Heck, I’ve never even played chess before, THAT’S how good I am.

But I digress; it seems that you’re ready to begin your adventure into the world of chess, and I couldn’t be happier. Young pupil, I wish you well, and hope that your future is very much a bright beacon for chess-playing and teaching. Until next time, loyal radio-listeners, as I bid you…

…adieu.

By: Hoaseng Thao

Note: This story revolves around the topic of war and military actions

Background

A year after the ceasefire that halted the Second Continental War, tensions between the Polaris Alliance Treaty Organization (PATO) and the Croatoke Defense Pact (CDP) remained rigid as both sides rebuilt their militaries for a possible flashpoint. A founding PATO member state, the Vaserian Federation, had elected King Shota Orion in 2024, who’d start the Shattered Front Initiative; an initiative to boost the Defense Forces (VFDF) budget from 2.9% of GDP to 4.2%, with the idea that Vaseria and their allies on the Vaserian continent would have to fight the Second Continental War alone.

A part of this initiative was to secure the Bay of Veina due to its strategic position to the Vaserian Federation and its ally, the Kingdom of Valona, but also because of the presence of the neighboring Republic of Nashua, a member state of the CDP. In a joint effort with Valona, the Vaserian Federation established Joint Naval Base Stonage on the small Valonan island of Sutao, housing over 30,000 military personnel and a small detachment of Aircraft from the Vaserian Navy.

THE INCIDENT

In the morning of November 29th, the island’s radar warning system intercepted three unknown signatures heading towards Stonage, with the craft appearing to be of Nashuan origin, however Nashuan officials have declined that the aircrafts were theirs.

Four fighter jets belonging to the 120th Tactical Fighter Squadron immediately took off from the island for interception, with the lead craft being manned by Captain Warrick, a veteran of the Second Continentals War.

At around 7:46 AM, the lead fighter jet, callsign “Typo”, receives on his warning system of a missile locked onto his jet, a VF-20A Starling, resulting in a hard turn to his starboard side as he deployed counter measures to break his heat signature. With the unknown crafts firing first, the call was given to engage the unknown hostiles with extreme prejudice. The first Starling to fire was commandeered by a pilot named “Taxes”, who locked on and fired a missile at an enemy jet, but missed.

Closing the distance between the unknown force and the Starlings, an anonymous pilot who took part in the incident, recalled that the unknown jets resembled that of a Kavaran SJ-88V Sea Lion jet, which are operated by both Kavara and Nashua, both members of the CDP.

The Starlings proceeded to split up, with a single jet acting as flank guard while the rest seeked to eliminate the threats. One Starling, is credited with downing two of the enemy crafts with only their main gun after their missile bay malfunctioned. The last remaining enemy jet, proceeded to bail out of the situation and flew towards Nashuan waters, resulting in the Starlings to return back to Stonage.

AFTERMATH

In the aftermath of the incident, Nashua denied all claims of responsibility, claiming that they had “eliminated” the remaining craft upon entering Nashuan airspace, however there is no evidence to suggest that the case was true. The incident would also inspire the creation of the 2027 film “FOX3!”, which included the same Starlings used during the incident.

By: Hoaseng Thao

NOTE: This Article covers a war between fictional nations

BACKGROUND

Following the end of the First Continentals War in 1950, the Kirston Empire, located in the Eusonan continent, was facing an economic crisis that stemmed from its debts for its participation in the war. Their solution to this debt was to sell off parts of their territory for cash, resulting in the 1957 Treaty of Saant, which formed The United Republic of Litho and the Federal Republic of Envoa.

In 1967, the Kirston Empire elected a new Viceroy to the nation, Elena Oplau, the Fair Maiden of Saint Mons. Oplau, born in the city of Saint Mons, was a staunch supporter of regaining the territories of Envoa and Litho, which to her and her supporters, was seen as an illegal treaty that went against the vision of the Eternal Virgin Empress, Lyria Tran. On May 24th, 1970, Oplau, with the support of the grand congress, invaded Litho to regain its lost territories.

LITHOAN FRONT

On the 1st of May, 1970, Kirston forces invaded the United Republic of Litho through the Rikin plains, flowing through the Lithoan countryside with over a hundred thousand troops over the border through a massive armored offensive. The Lithoan armed forces were forced to fall back to the Grai Mountain Range, where they would put up an intense guerrilla war against the Kirston Imperial Forces.

By 1971, Kirston forces would deplete nearly half of its invasion forces, fearing of losing the sufficient manpower, the Kirston government began a massive recruitment campaign granting those who volunteer a large amount of government grants. This act of handing out grants would be used to coin the war as “The Grants War”.

Despite the large influx of volunteering troops, the Kirston forces were unable to move past the Grai Mountain Range, and as the winter of 1971 began, the Lithoan armed forces began their counter offensive. The Lithoan forces recaptured the country’s capital, Juno, on December 10th, however this was one of out of a few successful counter offensive campaigns, as the harsh winter conditions led to the fall of the northern region. The harsh winter would result in a complete halt of any major offensive by any side until the winter passed by. Oplau and her supporters needed a victory, but it couldn’t be won during the Lithoan winter.

ENVOAN FRONT

On January 2nd, 1972, another front was started, this time on the border with Envoa. Caught off guard by the invading Kirstons, nearly half of the country had fallen to the hands of the Kirston Imperial Forces within three days, with its capital of Ioniv falling in a matter of a few hours. By March 10th, mainland Envoa had fallen to Kirston forces, but the Envoan navy continued the fight, even scoring a kill on the pride of the Kirston Imperial Navy, the KIN Opposer in the second battle for Nolan Island.

By the first of March of 1973, a large mob of Envoan partisans successfully took over the city of Tuve, resulting in the large uprisings across the country and the successful return of the Envoan forces on the mainland in the battle of Crownady. The war was turning against the Kirston armed forces with the return of the Envoan armed forces, and as the war turned against the Kirstons, there was only one way the war could end.

THE GRANTED OFFENSIVE

As the snow melted, the reunited Envoan army and a hardened Lithoan military, forced the Kirston military to retreat back to its former borders. As the two armies marched into Kirston soil, they began to loot and spread fire to the Kirston countryside in a scorched earth tactic to demoralize the Kirston population, however this would only embolden those to defend what remained pure.

By April 10th, nearly 20% of the Kirston’s forests were burned as a result of the scorched earth tactic, but nonetheless the Kirston military still fought on despite the odds. As the Envoan and Lithoan armies crept towards the capital of Kirsto, pressure was forced onto the Viceroy, Elena Oplau, to decide the fate of the empire.

SIGNING OF SUKUYO

With the war nearing its third anniversary and the increasing pressure against the Kirston officials to resolve the conflict, it was time for the war to end. Oplau, unwilling to call an end to hostilities, insisted they wanted a conditional surrender but due to the harsh reputation of the empire in the war, neither side wanted to openly agree for a ceasefire unless an intermediary assisted in its conclusion. Upon hearing the news of a potential end to the conflict, the King of the Vaserian Federation, Crizk Flaw, hastily answered the call for the conclusion of the war.

King Flaw, was ironically, a flawed king. He spent the first 4 years of his 10 year administrative term trying to force congress to increase the powers of the monarchy, with Flaw often being warned by congress of being impeached, which was a warning supported by nearly every Vaserian. When the call for an intermediary to conclude the war in Kirsto was announced, Flaw readily accepted it to save his reputation.

On May 22nd, 1973, the officials of the three warring nations met in the Vaserian capital city of Sukuyo to conclude the conflict, and by May 24th, the conflict would end with Kirsto ceding parts of its territory to Envoa, and a controversial 10 mile wide settlement exclusion zone along the Lithoan border, ensuring that a build up at the Lithoan border would never happen again. In return for these concessions, the three nations agreed to work together in rebuilding each nation’s infrastructure; however, only Kirsto and Envoa would fulfill this deal.

By the end of the war, over 80,000 people were killed in the war, with at least a million being forced to flee or endure the conflict. Nearly 40% of the forests of Kirsto were burned due to the scorched earth tactics, but as of 2049, the country has reclaimed nearly 30% of the burned land.

By: Hoaseng Thao

Note: This story goes over the themes of war and crisis in a different world

THE ZONE

The Arcerium Rising Exclusion Zone is a designated exclusion zone established by the Organization of Nations, or the ON, and is located on the Arcerian continent, dividing the habitable zones from areas contaminated by Arcerium and Arsoulium. The Arcerium Rising Exclusion Zone is commonly referred to as “The Zone”.

The Zone is a highly contested region that is mainly contested within the borders of the Federal States of Arcasia, with many factions fighting for control over specific regions.

ARCERIUM AND ARSOULIUM

Arcerium is a natural element that is used to power mega structures such as mega cities, ships, and spacecraft. Arcerium also acts as a propellent to its sister element, Arsoulium, which has side effects that can rapidly heal dead cells and is commonly used as an opioid to treat cancer, however it can place users into a rabies like state in prolonged exposure.

BACKGROUND

The cause of the exclusion zone was due to the rapid eruptions of multiple Arcerium pockets across the continent, which resulted in Arcerium and Arsoulium contaminating the majority of the continent. The nations of Arceria, The Republic of Krinia, The Federal States of Arcasia, and The United Republic of Alakis, were all affected heavily by this event, with an estimated 1.5 billion people being left in the zones. This event is commonly dubbed as the “Arcerium Rising” event.

KRINIA

Before the Arcerium Rising Event, Krinia had engaged in a war against its neighbor, Alakis, after their invasion into Krinian territory, with both nations calling upon their allies to join the war, resulting in the start of the Second Continentals War. This war would be forced to a ceasefire after the Arcerium Rising Event occurred, and with the presence of Krinia’s allies, The Polaris Alliance Treaty Organization or PATO, was able to quickly respond to the crisis, and evacuate millions of refugees to safe zones.

ALAKIS

Having started the Second Continentals War, Alakis was unprepared to fight a defensive war as they had poured all their resources to their Krinian offensive, which left large populated areas to be contaminated by Arcerium and Arsoulium. Alakis’ allies, the Croatoke Defensive Pact or CDP, did little to help with the contaminated areas as they were mainly focused on keeping PATO forces at bay, resulting in millions perishing as a result.

ARCASIA

Arcasia, having not involved itself in the war, had other issues at hand. A month earlier, Arcasia’s government brutally suppressed protests against State Controlled Arcerium refinery plants, and on the onset of the Arcerium Rising Event, the people of Arcasia began calling for independence against the government, and started the Arcasian Civil War.

This civil war was kept under wraps by the federal government, as they had installed a nationwide firewall and lockdown to prevent information from getting out. For ten years, Arcasia had kept everything under wraps until a coup led by General Tomia Lukoskiv, overthrew the government and called for an immediate intervention by the Organization of Nations (ON), to which they accepted.

ARCASIAN CIVIL WAR

The civil war is still waging on, with the Arcasian government being supported by the ON to fight a brutal campaign against rebelling groups, such as the Independent States of Arceria Organization, a collective of rebelling states joined in a combined effort to gain independence from Arcasia.

It is unclear if there will be resolution to the civil war, but it is clear that it will continue for the foreseeable future.

By: Hoaseng Thao

*Note: This is a work of fiction. This story is set in a fictional world where there are countries at war.

Background

On July 9th, 2020, the Republic of Nashua declared war on the island nation of Foseta on the basis of the nation harboring anti-Nashuan militant groups which threaten Nashua’s national security. But from the beginning of the war, the Nashuan military were unable to set foot on the Fosetan mainland due to the large Fosetan navy that constantly defended the western coast.

The main naval defenses of Foseta was concentrated on the western coast, which saw the majority of fighting during the war, however this concentration of ships and military personnel in the west would see the eastern coast to be left undefended by the main fleets of the navy. This factor would be exploited by the Nashuan navy as they were getting desperate for a victory after countless defeats off the western Fosetan coast.

Prelude

At 400 hours, Central Vaserian Time, on September the second, 2020, two ships belonging to the Ridge fleet of the Nashuan navy, the dreadnought NRS (Nashuan Republican Ship) Vitician and the landing ship NRS Julupe, are ordered by Admiral Se Gull to capture the Fosetan coastal defenses on the southern tip of the island of Hosi, which would allow the Nashuan ships to cross the Tsuvuki Strait and land troops onto mainland Foseta.

“Flag of the Fosetan Commonwealth”

“Flag of the Republic of Nashua”

Stationed on the island are a small detachment of Guardsmen from the Fosetan 110th coastal battery unit of the Coastal Corps, and a company of 200 marines from the 8th Marine regiment. Despite the low number of stationed troops on the island, the small detachment was armed with an array of artillery pieces, including two 305mm twin turret coastal artillery pieces but only one was operational.

At the time, both the NRS Julupe and the Vitician were unaware of the presence of the two 305mm pieces stationed on the island as the artillery pieces were originally meant to be decommissioned a year prior in a public press conference, but for unclear reasons, one piece was left intact and operational.

Battle

At 700 hours, the NRS Vitician, just 16 miles off the coast of Hosi, fired its four fourteen inch caliber guns off its port side, their intended target being the coastal guns located on the island, not including the two 305mm artillery pieces. As planned, the NRS Julupe began to depart from the Vitician but due to miscommunication between the Viticians captain, Karl V. Dimo, and Julupe’s captain, Diamon Gein, the NRS Julupe’s path coincided with the path of the Viticians next barrage from its guns.

Realizing that the Julupe was in the incoming path of the Viticians guns, the Vitician ceased her firing, giving the Fosetan marines and guardsmen time to prepare a counter barrage. One Lieutenant from the Fosetan Coastal Corps, Lieutenant Viron Ick, was asleep when the first barrage from the Vitician was fired; however the ceasing of her guns gave him and his men enough time to arm one of the 305mm coastal guns.

At around 715 hours, the Julupe landed the 28th Nashuan Marine Regiment onto the shores of the island, but their landing point was facing towards a steep hill that made it difficult for the marines to overrun, leading to the deaths of many marines as they were gun downed by the few Fosetan marines that dared to fire down the hill.

While the 28th Marines began to make ground around the shoreline, Lieutenant Viron Ick quickly calculated the distance and elevation needed to target the NRS Vitician and at 730 hours, the 305mm gun fired at the dreadnought. One shell missed the ship completely, however one did hit the stern of the Vitician. Completely caught off guard by the 305mm gun, the Vitician, whether it be out of fear of being hit once more or to target the 305mm gun, began to blindly fire at the coastline, damaging the 305mm gun but also committing several friendly casualties as the impacts would hit near the 28th Marines position.

Although damaged, the 305mm gun was able to fire once more upon the Vitician, this time both shells hit the lower parts of the hull, sealing the fate of the dreadnought. Captain Karl V. Dimo, assessing the situation, quickly orders his men to abandon the Vitician and at 750 hours, the dreadnought sunk to the bottom of the strait. With the loss of the Vitician, the remaining marines of the 28th alongside the NRS Julupe and the Vitician surrendered to the Fosetans at 800 hours.

Aftermath

Within only an hour of fighting, 62 Fosetan military personnel were killed in combat while 45 Nashuan Marines and 5 Nashuan sailors of the Vitician were killed. With the failed landing of the island, the Fosetan navy quickly began to protect the eastern coastline to prevent any more Nashuan ships from exploiting the low numbered coastal defenses. For his actions at the battle for Tsuvuki Strait, Lieutenant Viron Ick would receive the Hernikan Cross for his actions in sinking the NRS Vitician.

Facing humiliation, the Nashuan naval command fired and publicly executed Admiral Se Gull for his failure for not accounting for the presence of the 305mm gun. Just five weeks after the battle, Nashua would sue for peace with Foseta as they had failed to conduct landing operations on the Fosetan mainland.

On November 9th, 2045, the Vaserian Federation Defense Forces would declassify a document that contained information about a Vaserian submarine, the VSS (Vaserian Sailing Ship) Commerth’s role in stalking the NRS Julupe and the NRS Vitician before and during the battle of Tsuvuki Strait. The document would note that the submarine was well aware of the Nashuan ships destination but did not notify Foseta of this information, which would sour relations between the two nations.

By: Truman Vang

*This article is completely satirical, so do NOT actually follow this guide to bake cookies.

Have you ever been bored with life? From its endless monotonous qualities to its hurtful truths, life is just harsh. If yes, then baking should be the solution to all of your problems; the careful crafting of pastries and delicate touch on these delights always bring a smile to one’s face. Bring out the best in you through baking! Let all of your issues and anger seep out in this guide on how to NOT bake cookies.

Step 1: Gather Your Materials!

The first step to baking cookies is to gather the ingredients. Add whatever you want to these delicious pastries! It’s sometimes common to add flour, sugar or eggs, though let your imagination run rampant. For myself, I like to add the uncommon vanilla bean alongside flour and eggs with a side of crushed CD for some musical flavor! Though it’s your decision what you want in your cookies!

Step 2: Mix the Ingredients

While some may say that the order that you mix the ingredients is important, it really shouldn’t be taken into account when preparing the batter for your cookies. Mix whatever you want first, and just add what just looks right. You could mix it by the increasing or decreasing amounts of each ingredient, or to be fancy, by a color gradient from red to blue. Whatever order you choose to mix your ingredients, you’ll always be left with batter in the end, so it should be fine in the end.

Step 3: Prepare the Dough

One important step to making cookies is to prepare the dough. Once you finished creating the batter, you might have a consistency of play dough. If you don’t, just add flour, as it usually helps to stiffen the dough. Once you’ve got that figured out, roll out the dough with anything cylindrical that you can find around you. It’s not usually recommended to use something made out of wood, but anything works at this point.

Step 4: Cut the Cookies

Create a design that you want to cut your cookies in! You could use a cookie cutter, but those are often already pre made and quite boring in their designs, so choosing a design of your own would help in this aspect. For instance instead of a regular boring old star, you could instead cut the cookie into a dodecahedron, the American flag or a cube! Anything works to your desires as long as you follow your heart’s content.

Step 5: Prepare the Oven

Set the oven to preheat. Often cookies roughly bake at 325 degrees Fahrenheit taking 15 minutes to fully cook. In this guide, it’s completely optional to wait. Instead, set the oven to preheat at 5000 degrees Fahrenheit and wait for those cookies to be ready in under a minute!

Step 6: Place Cookies in Oven

Grab some oven mitts to be safe around the hot oven. If you don’t have any, then plastic should suffice for this baking. Place the cookies in the oven, shut the door and prepare yourself. Make sure you always have water to put out electrical fires! Though of course, you should be completely fine following this guide and its safety precautions.

Step 7: Prepare Cookies

Woohoo! Now that the cookies are finally finished, make sure to let them cool down. They may be a little hot, so it’s recommended that you wait about 30 seconds before handling them with your bare hands. Once that time has passed, the honors are in what you end up deciding to do with your cookies!

Optional: Decorate those Cookies!

Using some type of frosting, spread or sprinkles, lather your cookie in those sweet substances. Make sure to drench the whole cookie within the covering and ensure that there are no spots left on the surface of the cookie. Now let your imagination run wild when decorating these pastries!

Cookies are a delicious pastry to make anytime of day. Whether it be morning, day, Mid-day, they’re enjoyed from all sources and labeled as delectable by many.

Now that you know how to make cookies, let yourself run rampant with your decisions in cookie preparation and baking. Good Luck on your endeavors and don’t burn any ovens down!