By: Daniel Kendle

            Hey gang! My name’s Samuel Sand, and today I’m here to talk to you about sand. Say – have you ever had an interaction like this occur?

Fig. 1 – “An ugly ‘sediment.’ Heh.”

            Truly dreadful. But wait a minute: “pound sand?” Why, what could that phrase even mean? Well, as someone who never finished college could tell you, they don’t actually know. I, meanwhile, graduated from Oxford with honors!

            Sand has its origins billions of years ago amidst the creation of Earth’s crust, but no one really cares about that stuff. Instead, I’m here today to list the “Top 5 Genius Uses for a Jar of Sand (For Geniuses)™.” With this list, the next time a bullying brute slanders your title, any sand-related insults can be deflected with sophisticated sand facts from yours truly.

1. Projectile-based weaponry. Parried your assailant’s sedimentary slandering and still seeing red? Well, as any sand enthusiast can adhere to, physical violence is a readily-available option against natural predators, such as skeptics, gym bros, and pretty much anyone else on Earth. Simply unscrew the lid, thrust out your sand, and watch it fly!

2. Arts n’ Crafts. When I was young, I watched an episode of ‘Curious George’ where George, the titular species known as a Curious, painted sand with juice to create paintings. I always remembered that episode for a couple reasons, and since my lawyer says I shouldn’t encourage people to eat sand, painting with it is my second-best suggestion.

3. Therapy. Therapy is an instrumental tool for many people, so where’s the harm in introducing sand into it? Simply substitute the classic “breathing ball” or stuffed animal for a loving jar of sand. Hey – research from the League of International Administrative Remedying Sand-substances (L.I.A.R.S) declares that a jar of sand is an excellent substitute for mental health-supporting items.

4. Eating. My lawyer’s on his lunch break, so I’ll be quick about this. Ever tried a sand omelette? I went to England on a retreat from work a while back, and in a dark alley a guy with 3 pupils gave me one of these. I’ll tell ya: best. Dinner. EVER. Salty, savory, and with just a hint of nuttiness. I’d normally say I couldn’t recommend it enough, but *chuckles* My lawyer’s a bit of a stickler surrounding that sort of talk.

5. Creative idioms. Finally, what’s a newspaper article without talking about writing? A fun use for a jar of sand is as a creative muse for coming up with never-before-seen idioms. For example: “Jars before Mars” references the impracticality of space travel for future housing developments. Cute, simple, catchy – where’s the problem?

Well, I hope you’ve been, er, inspired by today’s lesson guys. Jars and sand combined form a wonderful tool for…um…

*Sighs* Screw it. What am I doing here? Talking about fricken sand like it’s some kind of…never mind.

My wife, my kids, all gone. I left behind a perfect life…for THIS?! I just…I can’t. I messed up.

I…

I need a sign to change. A new job too, at that. I need something, some-ONE, to hold…

I need a jar of sand.