By: Daniel Kendle

*Note: The following is a satirical take on the release of Switch 2 teaser.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – On Thursday, January 16, Nintendo posted a teaser for a new upcoming console, alongside the company’s international affiliates. Roughly 2 minutes in length, the video showcased the Nintendo Switch 2: a successor to the soon-to-be 8-year-old system of the same name.

Notable for both its physical and internal upgrades, many astute fans of the original Switch have noted its needed – albeit simple – updates to its older brother. While controversies have risen due to these occasionally-minor changes, many have agreed upon feeling relief and excitement about the console’s acknowledgement. A follow-up direct, focused on software is slated for April 2, 2025.

Around the same time, however, came the inauguration of now-president Donald J. Trump, seceding the former Joe Biden. Also mired in controversy, the election’s collision course has coincided with the console’s public reveal, leaving some to connect the 2 in various ways – most of all, the Presidents.

“I saw [the trailer] the Friday after – yeah, it was cool,” said Trump, immediately following a press conference in Atlanta. “I was like, ‘Vance, did you see this?’ And he was like ‘Yeah,’ and we fist-bumped. I dunno, man […] but I thought the new Joy-Cons were sick. Larger, too. I was talking to Joe ‘bout it a week later; he was tripping too. Did these (gestures) hand…things. Yeah. I was like, ‘Hunter would love this,’ and he laughed, and agreed. Hunter loves Mario; he’s so cool.”

Now-former President Biden was also open to an interview.

“Donnie and I had gotten off a meeting when the trailer dropped; some real good [explicative]. I was less enthused at first, really: I saw Donkey Kong’s new redesign during the ‘Mario Kart’ segment and was like ‘Damn, this too?’ Then Trump came over to my place and we played ‘8 Deluxe’ for a while…felt good. Felt better. Kamala was excited, too – did a backflip over her desk. Favorite reveals? Shoot, uh […] like, maybe the, tch, backwards compatibility? Y’know, being able to play my Switch library at launch is a treat. Gotta do a run of my favorite, uh, Switch game: ‘Balan Wonderworld’.” (Note: immediately following the latter-most statement, former President Biden was lobbed in the head with a snowball).”

While these 2 men proved satisfied with the new system’s reveal, other political figures – including some close with the country leaders – were less than optimistic about the trailer.

“It’s [explicative], pardner,” said Elon Musk, in the process of bathing himself with the blood of a sheep when we interviewed him. “Jus’ trash all-‘round. I’m happy for…you know, I’m happy fer those excited, but like, really? After 8 years o’ buildup, we git some gall-darn magnets for them controllers?! Y’all need some bett’r standerds. Rattlesnake tumbleweed cactus.”

With the division with Trump’s republican cabinet apparent, some citizens question whether or not a feud will brew from inside – and possibly spill out into the rest of the US. It’s been close to 200 years since our country’s first Civil War, and in our current day and age, political events and conspiracies have led to heated debate between sectors of the 50 states.

Whether or not the Nintendo Switch 2’s existence will culminate in a new Civil War is yet to be said, but until then we can only speculate, both on the system and our country’s political affairs. Only 1 thing’s certain, however: if this new console has any form of Joy-Con drift again, I think the nukes are gonna drop.