By: Daniel Kendle

Babies are nice. Babies are cute. Everyone likes babies (except for those who don’t). Some babies, however, are different. Some scream, cry, wail to get attention. Some can’t do simple mathematics, read, or assert their viewpoint on a topic through civil debate. Thus, babies aren’t all that exciting to me, as a person who fancies such activities. I don’t care for the infants, nor do they for me, if I may ponder.

Granted, I’ve noticed something in our most recent generation of children. They seem to linger towards a heinous cryptid, an entity that feeds on their short minds – feeding them sludge in return. Yes, it’s time we talk about the dreaded horseman that has taken control of our youth.

Everyone, welcome back to JOYSTiCK, a serial that (usually) reviews any video game our grubby mits come across. Today’s mini-review is about the white whale of my time here writing articles: ‘Cocomelon.’

‘Cocomelon’ is a multimedia enterprise that came about in the 2000’s. The brand focuses on preschool nursery rhymes available on YouTube and other media sites, and is one of the most successful children’s entertainment companies in the world. It’s been estimated that the organization is worth around $500 million.

Now, I should note that I’m not exactly the target audience for these videos, let alone the game I’ll be reviewing today. I can’t say I’ll be getting a new fix on life from “Who Took the Cookie? Puppy Song!” or “Tortoise and the Hare Race” anytime soon. I mean, I have so many other things to do, like betting on horse races! When watching the latter example, I can’t have even half the fun because I can’t feverishly lose money [under ethical circumstances]. What’s a guy to do?

Well, for an adequate amount of fun, (and return on investment), you can play the all-new game in the franchise: ‘Cocomelon: Play with JJ.’ Released fairly-recently, the games are pretty basic: you play as JJ, the main character toddler in the ‘Cocomelon’ universe, as he explores various parts of his house and plays minigames. There’s also a collection mechanic, since you can get stickers after completing these games and/or exploring the house.

As a mini-review, I don’t have too much to say on the game. For a mobile game it’s pretty competent, actually. Because of the limited environments the designers had to create, each feels slathered in detail, and “hardcore fans” might be able to recognize certain elements in the rooms, but I couldn’t. All I can say is that the game is alright on the visual front.

In terms of gameplay…it’s fine? Like, when you’re 16 and playing a game designed for toddlers, things can’t be the most “invigorating.” You control the main character, dragging them around box-shaped places looking for stuff to do. Sometimes you can click on something to have it do a little animation, but these usually just act as a little distraction, probably for little kids to click on and lose their minds over. You can also find various members of JJ’s family, who also perform an action.

The nursery rhymes were pretty boring. Basically just think of a bog-standard kid’s song, slap a small little game onto it and repeat that a dozen times. For example, the “Yes Yes Vegetables” song has you feeding JJ. The “Itsy-Bitsy Spider” song lets you control a spider navigating a bathtub. Very simple stuff; you also get a sticker at the end of each.

In conclusion, ‘Cocomelon: Play with JJ’ is so small of a game it has basically nothing of note to discuss. Even if it was an ironic pick to review, the game’s still pretty lame. It could’ve used some combat or grotesque themes, because as it stands it’s a lame kids game. I give it a 4/10, which is probably more than it deserves.

COCOMELON DEMON: Are you sure about that?

THE REVIEWEE: Wha-? Who are you?!

COCOMELON DEMON: I am the very being that lives in your soul.

THE REVIEWEE: …

COCOMELON DEMON: I’ve been the one watching you since you were born.

THE REVIEWEE: But…I’ve never seen you before in my life.

COCOMELON DEMON: That’s the point.

THE REVIEWEE: But-!

COCOMELON DEMON: Shh…(strokes finger over The Reviewee’s cheek)

THE REVIEWEE: …

COCOMELON DEMON: (softly) Don’t let the voices hear you.

THE REVIEWEE: …

COCOMELON DEMON: Come. I have much to discuss with you (opens portal to Cocomelon dimension).

THE REVIEWEE: …okay.

(The pair disappear to the Cocomelon dimension).

JJ: Hey gang, it’s me: JJ! Now that the regular person writing for this serial is gone, I’ve finally got a body to control to voice the gospel of Eldresassigul, Flesh-Bringer of the Peasentfolk. My first objective is to proclaim ‘Cocomelon: Play with JJ’ as a 10/10 game. With such stunning graphics, tight gameplay, and witty dialogue, it’s clear that the game is set up to be the most influential of this decade, and I’m shocked by how underrated it is. After all, I’m the star!

Anyways, those who oppose the label will be sent down to the mines of the underworld to be sacrificed to cryptids of decay and famine handed off to our support team to receive a small talk about their “misdirection in life.” Until then, I’ll leave until my next review: ‘Cocomelon: Shadows Die Twice.’ See you then!