By: Truman Vang

*This article is completely satirical, so do NOT actually follow this guide to bake cookies.

Have you ever been bored with life? From its endless monotonous qualities to its hurtful truths, life is just harsh. If yes, then baking should be the solution to all of your problems; the careful crafting of pastries and delicate touch on these delights always bring a smile to one’s face. Bring out the best in you through baking! Let all of your issues and anger seep out in this guide on how to NOT bake cookies.

Step 1: Gather Your Materials!

The first step to baking cookies is to gather the ingredients. Add whatever you want to these delicious pastries! It’s sometimes common to add flour, sugar or eggs, though let your imagination run rampant. For myself, I like to add the uncommon vanilla bean alongside flour and eggs with a side of crushed CD for some musical flavor! Though it’s your decision what you want in your cookies!

Step 2: Mix the Ingredients

While some may say that the order that you mix the ingredients is important, it really shouldn’t be taken into account when preparing the batter for your cookies. Mix whatever you want first, and just add what just looks right. You could mix it by the increasing or decreasing amounts of each ingredient, or to be fancy, by a color gradient from red to blue. Whatever order you choose to mix your ingredients, you’ll always be left with batter in the end, so it should be fine in the end.

Step 3: Prepare the Dough

One important step to making cookies is to prepare the dough. Once you finished creating the batter, you might have a consistency of play dough. If you don’t, just add flour, as it usually helps to stiffen the dough. Once you’ve got that figured out, roll out the dough with anything cylindrical that you can find around you. It’s not usually recommended to use something made out of wood, but anything works at this point.

Step 4: Cut the Cookies

Create a design that you want to cut your cookies in! You could use a cookie cutter, but those are often already pre made and quite boring in their designs, so choosing a design of your own would help in this aspect. For instance instead of a regular boring old star, you could instead cut the cookie into a dodecahedron, the American flag or a cube! Anything works to your desires as long as you follow your heart’s content.

Step 5: Prepare the Oven

Set the oven to preheat. Often cookies roughly bake at 325 degrees Fahrenheit taking 15 minutes to fully cook. In this guide, it’s completely optional to wait. Instead, set the oven to preheat at 5000 degrees Fahrenheit and wait for those cookies to be ready in under a minute!

Step 6: Place Cookies in Oven

Grab some oven mitts to be safe around the hot oven. If you don’t have any, then plastic should suffice for this baking. Place the cookies in the oven, shut the door and prepare yourself. Make sure you always have water to put out electrical fires! Though of course, you should be completely fine following this guide and its safety precautions.

Step 7: Prepare Cookies

Woohoo! Now that the cookies are finally finished, make sure to let them cool down. They may be a little hot, so it’s recommended that you wait about 30 seconds before handling them with your bare hands. Once that time has passed, the honors are in what you end up deciding to do with your cookies!

Optional: Decorate those Cookies!

Using some type of frosting, spread or sprinkles, lather your cookie in those sweet substances. Make sure to drench the whole cookie within the covering and ensure that there are no spots left on the surface of the cookie. Now let your imagination run wild when decorating these pastries!

Cookies are a delicious pastry to make anytime of day. Whether it be morning, day, Mid-day, they’re enjoyed from all sources and labeled as delectable by many.

Now that you know how to make cookies, let yourself run rampant with your decisions in cookie preparation and baking. Good Luck on your endeavors and don’t burn any ovens down!