By: Daniel Kendle
If you go up to any random Joe on the street, chances are that they’ll know what a bear is. If you don’t then you’re honestly kind of weird, in my opinion. But for the 1% who’re in the dark, it’s my duty as “Bear Ambassador” of this school to provide an up-to-date list of every species of bear, ordered from worst to best. Because who wouldn’t run out of article ideas after 3 weeks?
This article has a very simple structure: I will be listing bears from worst to best, giving reasons towards their placement and what they could “do better,” so-to-say. I don’t think we’ll be here for long, but I’ll try to be intricate-yet-short in why each species of bear is where it is. Bears are no-nonsense animals; you won’t find a bear wanting to have small talk all of the time, unless you’re a cartoon bear from Europe or whatever.
Whether you’re a Pooh defender or pro-Paddington, all can agree that fictional bear characters in media aren’t actual species, and will not be on this list. I mean, you’ve got bears ranging from books like ‘The Jungle Book’ to TV shows like ‘Gentle Ben,’ and I frankly don’t have the time to talk about everything. Screw you Pooh, I do what I WANT.
Clearly I’m stalling for time, so with the basics out of the way, let this list commence! Here’s every big species of bear ranked, brought to you by Highland’s resident bear ambassador.
Number 8: Sloth Bear
If your favorite species of bear is the sloth bear, you’re WEIRD. Like, maybe you’re in support of the underdog team in sports movies and you just feel bad for it, but who in this astral plane of reality likes sloth bears. Like…there are other bears, guys! At this point I’d rather have someone come up to me and say that their favorite bear is the ‘Paddington’ bear (or spit in my face, sure).
Sloth bears, endemic to India and the areas surrounding it, are one of a few species of bears that are facing extinction. They’re generally more passive than other species of bears, with their diet being focused on insects rather than carrion. This would be fine under normal circumstances, but since the species exists in the same habitat as much cooler animals such as tigers and cobras, seeing a raggedy-looking bear skulking around the woods isn’t that cool.
Number 7: Asiatic Black Bear
This is the shortest “beareview” due to the fact that sloth bears and asiatic black bears are essentially the same bear, with their biggest difference being that the latter’s name is significantly-cooler than the former’s. Besides that difference (and the only reason one is over the other) the bears are essentially the same, just with some geographical differences.
If I researched the species further I’d probably come across ground-breaking information about the density of their toenails and stuff that zoologists ogle over, but time is time, and as such will continue without letting me stop to look into these topics. Speaking of which, let’s move on, too!
Number 6: Giant Panda
Since this pick is so low, this is probably the most controversial choice throughout this list. But here be the gods’ gospel as I, a lowly sophomore, proclaim that giant pandas are pretty alright, really.
First, to get this out of the way, we’ve got to address their name. With a couple of exceptions, giant pandas suffer the worst from something I call “the blunt naming problem.” To summarize, a problem with a lot of animals’ names is that they’re usually named after either very obvious or convoluted reasons, with there being a lack of middle ground. For example, spectacled bears have very strange names, likely from their eye patches kind of-resembling glasses, while giant pandas have such simple names that it becomes somewhat farcical.
The only reason they’re known as “giant” – in my opinion – is because the people who dubbed them needed to differentiate them from the smaller, cuter red pandas. But why the word “giant” comes to mind is strange to me, since giant pandas aren’t very big compared to other bears. They’re pretty small, actually.
But maybe what makes them truly giant is the ridiculous amount of attention given to them around the globe. Along with being China’s national animal, they’ve infested pop culture with their image, being a part of toys, games, a multi-billion dollar animated movie franchise, the like. The only reason I’m harping on this point about consumerism is because they were even added to ‘Minecraft,’ which I hope conveys the reach this stupid species of bears have had. When it comes to that game, it and I have a relationship like a moth to a flame, but nonetheless the only reason I’d mention it in an article about bears is if it somehow boosted my point about pandas having a chokehold on the metaphorical neck of the world. And today that oddly-specific scenario comes true, hooray!
Pandas, as animals, are just kind of okay. Like, they’re cute, but if someone goes around talking about how pandas could deck any other animal on earth, then maybe it’s time someone decks them. Pandas are cute, but they’re the cotton candy of bears. Cuddly, fluffy mammals that just can’t compare to the battle-ready, still-somewhat-cute competition further along this list. Just search up “fierce panda,” like I did while writing this. Most pictures you’ll find are art or logos of panda bears, not the actual species itself. That’s a good way to look at giant pandas, actually: they’re cute, but more of a species for people to gawk at, rather than being a defining species of bear.
Number 5: Spectacled Bears
These are probably the least-known species of the “big bears.” It could be that it’s the only bear on this list in South America, a continent not known for their bears, or maybe the species is very reclusive, very shy from photographers and researchers. Or it could possibly be because they’re really darn uninteresting.
That being said, compared to giant pandas, these fellas are uninteresting not because of their overexposure in the media, or them being too soft and weak to do much of anything, but mostly just because of their lack of attention. As far as bears go, these guys are pretty cool, but due to no one really giving them the light of day I can’t place them much higher than the 5th spot.
To find the best bear, we need to examine bears both as species and in society. Giant pandas are fine, but their monopolization of the world makes them an over-saturated animal to many. Spectacled bears have the opposite issue, for they’re just too obscure for their own good. Not bad by any means, but they just don’t fit the criteria I’ve set out.
Number 4; Sun Bears
Some (few) may be wondering why sun bears managed to claim one of the top spots. It’s simple – while not the “coolest” or “fiercest” bears out there, they manage to fit the standards for what it means to be a good bear.
Sun bears are the last bears on this list that are native to Asia, and they’re probably the most unique bear here, for a couple of reasons. Their tongues are super long, giving them an insect-based diet. They also have a sun-shaped pattern on their chest, hence the name. These features give them a very goofy appearance.
These attributes raise the question: why does this bear top others here? I don’t know, honestly, other than that, while very different from other bears, it still manages to fill the bear quota, in addition to having its own identity.
Number 3: Grizzly Bears
…or “brown bears” as some call them, are probably seen by the public as the “basic bear,” the bear that many can point to when asked to draw one. Their image is recognizably-simple: a large, rotund, furry mammal with sharp claws and brown, shaggy hairs.
In some ways this makes them a tad boring; all of the other bears on this list have some kind of unique attribute that makes them special. Other than being walking tanks in combat, these bears are simple, yeah. Nonetheless their popularity in being such a basic design has proven the naysayers wrong. I’m on the side of those who think that they’re cool. Like, grizzly bears can’t juggle or dance or whatnot, but they get the job done at the end of the day. That job, of course, filling out bear criteria.
In the picture for this article they’re depicted as #1, and while they’re only the bronze medal in this race, they’re the definitive bear for a lot of people, since their identity is that of just being a bear. Others like pandas and polar bears are characterized by superficial means, like their habitats and fur color. But when you have a bear whose existence is to act as the base-form bear, that’s a good bear in my opinion because it’s the most bear-like bear!
Number 2: Polar Bears
While I like grizzly bears because of their simplicity, I’ve always thought of polar bears as an upgraded version of the former. Everything about them can be seen as analogous to grizzly bears, yet done better. They’re bigger, stronger, live in a unique habitat, and are the largest land carnivores in the world.
The only real downside is that they’re dying out because of global warming, but then again, I have a “survival of the fittest” mentality in life, so it doesn’t faze me very much [this is a joke]. Other than being weaklings against some hot air they’re pretty cool animals, actually. There’s not that much to talk about them, since polar bears are just neat, and I like them. But they’re not the best bear.
Number 1: Black Bears
So, after careful analysis and tedious studies, we (I) can confidently say that, yes, black bears are the best bears, for a simple reason: they have all of the best attributes of the past 3 bears.
They have the icon status of polar bears, the wide-spread range of grizzlies and the uniqueness of sun bears. They’re cute and small-enough for merchandising in the public eye, but not overblown like panda bears are. They have a varied diet and can live in many different environments (something that polar bears can’t do) and don’t look hideous (like sloth bears and their asiatic cousins). This goes to show that, while unique, black bears have all of the best traits of bears.
They are the perfect species here, and are the definitive bear due to straddling both common and rare traits, making for an accessible animal for people to connect to. So yes, in this year’s ‘2024 Bearlympics,’ the judges have tallied that the humble black bear has emerged victorious and is, with every option considered, the single best bear.
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